relationship advice | Rohini Ross - Part 12

Angus and the Illusion of Listening

Listening is something that is so natural and simple, yet many people, Angus and I included, don’t do it all the time. We think we are listening or we give the impression that we are listening, but we are not fully present. Our mind is elsewhere. When this happens we miss out on connection and intimacy with another, but ultimately what we miss is the connection with ourselves. We feel our personal thoughts more than the oneness of who we all are.   Angus and I are not sharing this as a technique. There is no technique for listening. You are either...

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Differences Are Only a Problem in a Low Mood

I don’t really sleep under a tarpaulin. For some reason Angus has taken exception to my weighted blanket. And he can get annoyed with my temperature needs that are different than his own, even though I am used to wearing extra layers, especially in the car. ?❄❄❄   But the point we are making is that from a good mood these differences are not issues or problems. They can be amusing, but they are not challenging. However, from a low mood they, and other differences between us, can look like real problems. ??   We have both gotten better at recognizing when we are...

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Rohini is Just So Forward

In this week’s Vlog, you get to see how Rohini's ability to take on the journey of life and course correct like a nimble sloop has shown a lot more virtue than Angus’ steady as you go freight ship! Rohini’s will to get out on the open sea as quickly as possible proves to be a lot more fruitful than Angus’ need to stay in the harbor worrying about the Leviathan.   Rohini and Angus are both coaches. They work with individuals, leaders, and organizations to increase performance and success. They also love working with couples and helping them reduce conflict and...

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Help, I Am Hurting! Where is My Peace of Mind?

When I found myself writing similar messages to clients who were experiencing distress and who reached out for support, I thought it might be helpful to share my thoughts with a wider audience. Let me know in the comments if what I am sharing is helpful or if you have questions.   When you are upset it looks like another person or a circumstance is the cause of your distress. Your emotions make this feel very real. It does not occur to you that your experience is created inside of you. It is hard to have perspective and see that your thinking...

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Bossiness is in the Eye of the Beholder

This is not an example of Angus at his best with listening. He normally does a better job of disguising his inattentiveness, but it is a good example of how we each live in our own separate reality. I can think I am being helpful and Angus can think I am bossy. What is even more amazing is I can be doing the same thing and from one state of mind, Angus can see me as helpful and from another state of mind he can see me as bossy. I can also be completely blind to my bossiness and see...

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Sh*t heads are love too!

Blooper included in the video highlighting our message that there is room for humanness in life. We don’t always have to be our best. The world doesn’t end when we get reactive. I used to feel so fragile in the face of Angus’ reactivity and irritability. I wanted him to change. It never occurred to me that I didn’t have to take his behavior personally. I didn’t realize it was even possible, and I was blind to my own reactivity.   I focused on his and ignored my own. I expected him to change. I badgered and complained and nagged. He would...

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He Said, She Said: More on Angus’ Absentmindedness

This time Angus keeps his pants on but loses a baby. In order for our relationship to work, I needed to learn that my wellbeing was not dependent on Angus having a good memory or being focused. It looked like it was for many years, but finally, I got to see more clearly that my upset was not coming from his behavior. This helped me to get over my frustration and incredulity so much more quickly and accept Angus as he is, absentmindedness included. It was better for us and better for me! Do you have something in your life...

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He Said, She Said: Becoming Less Reactive to Criticism

Angus and I usually get a deeper understanding of the Principles before we present a workshop. This time we each got to learn from seeing how we can get reactive with each other related to brainstorming. From seeing this, we were able to take our sensitivities more lightly. This allowed the workshop preparation process to be so much more kind and fun. I had room for Angus to be sensitive to my comments and didn't take it personally if he got prickly. This allowed him to see he was reacting to his own thinking and not me. We each got...

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He Said, She Said: Authenticity in Relationships

In this week's Vlog, we point to the importance of authenticity for experiencing intimacy in relationships. This may be obvious, but it is not always easy. And sometimes it is invisible to us when we are not showing up in an honest way.   The opportunity for me is to trust in both Angus's and my resilience so I speak up rather than soldiering on and maintaining an unhealthy status quo. When I do this I am usually surprised by how easy it is to share what is important.   Let me know what supports intimacy in your relationships. And if you would like to...

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He Said, She Said: Eliminating Relationship Baggage

Angus recalls the time I barricaded him out of our apartment, and then my therapist told me I had abandonment issues. Angus thought he brought his own baggage to our relationship as well. We both accepted these limitations as part of who we were and resigned ourselves to a challenging relationship because of them.   We are both so grateful to the understanding of the principles that helps us see that we don't have issues. All we have is thought in the moment that temporarily gets in the way of us experiencing peace of mind and our true loving nature. It was...

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