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Angry Behavior is an Attempt to Get Back to Love

One of the biggest challenges for relationships is angry behavior. Most of the focus on how to solve this problem is to reduce reactivity. This is a worthy goal but offers no solutions for when reactivity happens. This often leaves people judging themselves when they are reactive and missing that it is a misguided attempt to get back to love.   I had a recent blow out with my daughter where I behaved badly and sad hurtful things. We revisited the situation recently, and I acknowledged I was out of line. I was struck by how magnanimous she was. She said we...

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Beyond the Game of Pleasure and Pain

One of the things I have been really enjoying in my work recently whether it be in supervision sessions with coaches, working with clients, or facilitating the Rewilding Experience, is helping people to see the innate wisdom that is unfolding right before their eyes. It reminds me of how Syd Banks said you are enlightened, you just don’t know it. Or of the Sri Ramana Maharishi quote:   Realisation is nothing to be gained afresh; it is already there. All that is necessary is to get rid of the thought ‘I have not realised.   We can be so wedded to our ideas of...

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Rohini Ross

Ego Crushing Reflections on Mother’s Day

I am writing this on Mother's Day as Angus and my eldest daughter are cooking brunch in the kitchen. It's a cool day compared to the last days that were really warm, but there is a clear blue sky and the bougainvillea's pink flowers are gently swaying in the breeze. I can hear clattering in the kitchen, but they seem to be working out their cooking differences amicable.   Our youngest daughter has chosen to enter a residential program for her mental health so she is not with us today. She wanted to attend a traditional program that had nothing to do...

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The Myth That We Need To Work On Relationships

The myth that we need to work on relationships is based on the misunderstanding that relationships and the people we love require work in addition to everything else we do in life.   The good news is that relationships work beautifully and naturally all by themselves. We are designed to be in relationship with one another whether that be romantically, in friendship, in community, or professionally. We are relational beings.   When we find ourselves upset in a relationship the problem is not the relationship. The problem isn’t even with the other person. The problem is with our own misuse of our personal mind....

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We Came Back From Being A Lost Cause Relationship

It can be very hard for couples to see that the other person is not responsible for their upset. I’m upset because she doesn’t want to have sex. I’m upset because he yelled at me. These look true. It looks like the lack of sex causes upset. It looks like the yelling is what causes the hurt.   It looks like the solution is for the other person to change. I wouldn't be upset if he or she were different.   That is often how couples come to Angus and me, thinking that with our help we will get their partner to change so they...

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Letting Go Of Blame

In relationships, it can be really hard to let go of blame. I can look true that someone else is responsible for our experience. It is assumed that certain actions automatically cause certain feelings.   Another reason it seems hard to let go of blame is the idea that if we let go of blame we are condoning the behavior.   But they don't go together!   I can see Hitler’s psychological innocence and not condone the holocaust.   Viktor Frankel can feel goodwill and compassion for his oppressor. It doesn't mean he agreed with the Nazi's.   A brother of a murder victim can forgive the perpetrator while not...

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The Misunderstanding Behind Conflict

If you want to have less of something in your life, it is helpful to understand the cause of it. If you are experiencing more conflict than you would like in your relationships, rather than looking at the content of what the conflict is about, look to what is the source of the upset is.   There are probably different things that you get reactive and angry about. The possible list is infinite. So in order to experience less reactivity, rather than looking in the direction of what you are upset about or what you are blaming for your upset, instead let’s...

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