Is Remembering Mortality Helpful in Relationships?
In a recent Rewilders’ Community webinar, we were asked to speak on death. We had a poignant conversation with many sharing their experiences related to death, grief, near-death experiences, and the lessons learned. It made me think of the Latin phrase Memento Mori, which means to “remember that you must die.” This phrase is not meant to be depressing but intended to illuminate and inspire one to live life fully in this moment.
Memento Mori might seem like a depressing theme to use as inspiration for a relationship post, but I find it refreshing and practical.
Recently when Angus and I returned from a trip, I offered to drive home. Angus usually drives when we are together, but I knew he was tired, and I felt relatively fresh despite flying for five hours. I needed to adjust the wing mirrors when I got in the car. It had been a while since I needed to do this, and I had forgotten what switch to push to move from adjusting the left mirror to the right mirror. I asked Angus for help while I was fiddling with the switches. I thought I had switched to the right mirror but was still adjusting the left mirror. While he tried to explain how to do it, I figured it out. He thought I was still struggling when I had figured out what I was doing wrong, and he continued to explain the procedure to me. I was trying to tell him I had it figured out and wanted to adjust the left mirror first and then go to the right mirror.
In this process, I raised my voice and talked over him. He got upset that I raised my voice. And then there was an atmosphere in the car. Both of us were feeling hurt. I felt hurt that he took me raising my voice so personally and judged me harshly for doing so. And he felt hurt that I had lost my temper with him when he was trying to help me. It was a minor fracas, but neither of us felt good, and we started the drive home with a stony silence between us.
After a few minutes of driving, my nervous system settled down. I realized that I was caught up in historical conditioning of feeling like I wasn’t allowed to express anger and hurt and that I was judged as bad because I did. I realized that all this was happening inside of me. As I returned to the present moment, I recognized I wasn’t a terrible human because I raised my voice at my husband. I am imperfect, and I would have hoped I could behave better in a situation like that, but I didn’t. Rather than simply adjusting the controls and not saying anything, I felt compelled to speak over Angus. And that he felt hurt in the process.
As my anger dissipated, I felt compassion for Angus and myself for finding us in this situation on a Saturday night on our way home from a lovely trip. I realized that life is short, and I didn’t want to spend any unnecessary time without a feeling of goodwill between us. So I took the simple step of apologizing for my behavior. I couldn’t take it back. It didn’t make it okay, but I could acknowledge that I hadn’t behaved well and hope that Angus would be open to accepting my apology. I think there might have been a hint of resentment at first, but it shifted pretty quickly, and we were able to move on.
The Latin phrase Memento Mori didn’t come to mind at that moment. But the spirit of it did occur to me. And I think it will continue to be a helpful reminder for me not to unnecessarily waste time suffering when love is such an easy choice.
I will be honest, love isn’t always such an easy choice for me, but at that moment, it was. I could see the choice point. I recognized how I could choose to stew longer and prolong my suffering, or I could choose to do what was needed to return love, first and foremost, within myself.
Remembering the shortness of life and the unpredictability of how long I have in this world is an inspiration to live and love to my fullest capacity.
And as Richard Carlson’s books remind us, don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff.
This article was originally published on https://www.therewilders.org/.
If you would like to listen to the Rewilding Love Podcast, it comes out in a serial format. Start with Episode 1 for context. Click here to listen. And, if you would like to dive deeper into the understanding I share along with additional support please check out the Rewilders Community.
Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In the first season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate private couple’s intensive retreat programs that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilders Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.
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Are you self-critical, hard on yourself, and constantly trying to “fix” whatever you think is wrong with you? Perhaps you have tried all kinds of different personal growth techniques and spiritual practices in the hope of solving all your problems. This cycle can be exhausting and never-ending, because there will always be something to improve about yourself, from that mindset. Sydney Banks’ teachings can help you to see how your humanness is normal and not something that needs fixing: as a spiritual person, you don’t need to change or eradicate your humanness! Seeing yourself as normal allows you to love and accept yourself exactly as you are—warts and all. Adopting this perspective naturally brings out the best in you and helps to find peace with your personality. Self-love and self-acceptance is your natural state, and any disconnection from your true nature is only temporary. What a relief!
In our culture, success is often associated with hard work and narrowly defined as material gain. However, authentic success, as shared by Sydney Banks, includes such intangibles as happiness, well-being, love, joy, compassion, and peace of mind that are innate in each one of us, along with outward goals and achievements. It honors the whole person in all walks of life, whether you are a professional, leader, executive, solopreneur, employee, mother, teacher or student. From this knowing and experience, you can access the infinite wellspring of love that is your essence, then share your gifts with the world from a place of fulfillment and meaning, through a profound understanding of the interaction between your psychological and spiritual natures. While conventional success can deplete you, authentic success only fills you up.
Your ability to enjoy life comes from being present in the moment rather than caught up in habitual, negative thoughts that take you out of the Now. Sydney Banks’ wisdom supports you in becoming aware of how you get seduced by your limited personal thinking and thus, create a painful reality of misunderstanding, fear and restriction. When you recognize how and why this happens, you can step free of the pattern. This understanding assists you to dismiss unhelpful thoughts and not take them seriously. Unlike traditional self-help or therapy, experiencing more psychological freedom and enjoyment does not rely on techniques. There are no magic bullets on the path of well-being. All you need to do is follow an internal compass that points to the truth of who you really are—beyond transient thoughts to your unchanging, formless essence.
Greater psychological freedom is the gift that keeps on giving. How grateful would you feel if you no longer had to listen to your negative, self-punishing and painful inner narrative, day in and day out? Understanding the role of thought and recognizing how it creates your feelings of insecurity and self-doubt is truly liberating! You will be better able to hear and heed your inner wisdom and become less driven by the noisy thoughts of fear and constriction. As an ongoing practice, this allows you to more fully experience your resilience and reach a greater sense of clarity about how you want to move forward in your life. As a result, you can live in a way that feels authentic and true in every area, including your career, family, home, creative expression, play, relationships and overall well-being.
When you no longer give authority to the fear-based thoughts in your consciousness, all you are left with is happiness. Through the teachings of Sydney Banks, you can see how your psychological functioning works, which makes you less compelled to follow those thoughts that do not serve you. Becoming more aware of the wholeness and integration of both your human and spiritual natures helps to ground you in the unchanging essence of who you are, and ride out the ups and downs of your emotional experience more gracefully. Accepting the normalcy of your humanness will naturally reduce your anxiety and fear and enhance your joy and happiness in each moment. By placing less pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or be hung up on self-improvement, you may find that low moods do not derail or debilitate you; instead, you will become much more attuned to your innate wellbeing and peace of mind and experience more happiness as a result.
One of the first areas people often experience profound transformation from the teachings of Sydney Banks is in their relationships, both personal and professional. While it often seems like another person’s irritation, anger, indifference, insensitivity, rudeness, etc., directly affects your experience, in reality your disturbance is a product of your own individual thinking. By making someone else responsible for how you feel, that person automatically becomes the cause of your suffering. Once you understand that you always have a place of well-being inside, independent of another’s behavior, it is easier to maintain equanimity through their changing moods and behaviors. Romantically, you may experience deeper love and intimacy with your partner, but the teachings benefit all relationships. This awareness supports more authentic connection and expression, while facilitating greater understanding, improved communication, reduced reactivity, more acceptance of self and others, and improved ability to work out differences and find common ground. Best of all, just one person shifting in a relationship is enough to transform it.
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