Sh*t heads are love too!
Blooper included in the video highlighting our message that there is room for humanness in life. We don’t always have to be our best. The world doesn’t end when we get reactive. I used to feel so fragile in the face of Angus’ reactivity and irritability. I wanted him to change. It never occurred to me that I didn’t have to take his behavior personally. I didn’t realize it was even possible, and I was blind to my own reactivity.
I focused on his and ignored my own. I expected him to change. I badgered and complained and nagged. He would finally agree and then, of course, I would be disappointed when he was exactly the same. But what I was asking for was inhumane. I was pressuring him not to be human. I had no room for him being a shithead in our relationship. I believed that had to stop until I realized it didn’t. Until I saw I wasn’t fragile.
When I experienced my own safety and security within, all of a sudden he could be human and I wasn’t automatically destabilized. I was then able to stop trying to change him. I stopped judging him for his humanness. I didn’t care anymore if he was a shithead because I knew he would eventually stop being one. I even took the blinkers off and could acknowledge I was a shithead too at times.
Having room for our humanness in our relationship did not end up with each of us devolving into reactive unpleasant behavior. That is what we were doing before. It brought out the best in us. Our reactivity and animosity decreased. We are more kind and forgiving of each other. Seeing we bounce back allowed us to feel our love for each other more deeply not less. And it only needs one person to know their resilience and see they are not impacted by the other person’s reactivity for a relationship to change.
Seeing doesn’t mean you won’t get reactive ever. It is enough to see that your reactivity has nothing to do with the other person and to feel safe knowing that it will dissipate. That is freedom. That is what has allowed me to open to intimacy rather than keep Angus at arm’s length with my criticism and judgment. It was never really about him, and always about my fear of being hurt.
Seeing my hurt is ALWAYS on me and NEVER on him had me get off my high horse and realize I didn’t need him to change in order to be happy and to feel safe and secure. It helped me to get on with my life and think about other things that were more fun and interesting than what I perceived as his flaws. It had me become much less interested in my own emotional disturbance and less self-absorbed by trying to control how I felt. I stopped trying to manipulate how I felt by attempting to control myself, other people or outside circumstances.
Seeing I had no control over my experience did not throw me into a nihilistic tailspin. Instead, seeing this gave me the freedom to let go, and in the letting go I felt my ability to bounce back. I felt my strength. I felt my empowerment. My feelings no longer scare me in the way that they used to. I still feel all of the same feelings of distress, not as often and not for as long, and not being afraid of them and not trying to change them allows me to experience and know that infinite potential within me. I had no idea that accepting Angus would also allow me to accept myself and be in service to me experiencing my true nature more fully. Love your partner to know God — who knew! I guess it makes sense when we are all one and all come from the same source. Loving you!
Rohini and Angus are both coaches. They work with individuals, leaders, and organizations to increase performance and success. They also love working with couples and helping them reduce conflict and discord so they can experience more love and harmony in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized three-day couples intensives that support the deepening of connection and understanding. They work with couples who are struggling and couples who would like to deepen the love and intimacy they already have. Rohini is the author of Marriage (The Soul-Centered Series Book 1) and founder of The Soul-Centered Series: Psychology, Spirituality and the Teachings of Sydney Banks being offered in Santa Monica, California starting October 2018. You can also subscribe to her weekly blog on her website, rohiniross.com.
Chip Chipman – The Simplicity of Syd’s Teachings
Spiritual Facts 
Christine Heath & Judy Sedgeman – Spirituality and Resilience
Rohini Ross
Are you self-critical, hard on yourself, and constantly trying to “fix” whatever you think is wrong with you? Perhaps you have tried all kinds of different personal growth techniques and spiritual practices in the hope of solving all your problems. This cycle can be exhausting and never-ending, because there will always be something to improve about yourself, from that mindset. Sydney Banks’ teachings can help you to see how your humanness is normal and not something that needs fixing: as a spiritual person, you don’t need to change or eradicate your humanness! Seeing yourself as normal allows you to love and accept yourself exactly as you are—warts and all. Adopting this perspective naturally brings out the best in you and helps to find peace with your personality. Self-love and self-acceptance is your natural state, and any disconnection from your true nature is only temporary. What a relief!
In our culture, success is often associated with hard work and narrowly defined as material gain. However, authentic success, as shared by Sydney Banks, includes such intangibles as happiness, well-being, love, joy, compassion, and peace of mind that are innate in each one of us, along with outward goals and achievements. It honors the whole person in all walks of life, whether you are a professional, leader, executive, solopreneur, employee, mother, teacher or student. From this knowing and experience, you can access the infinite wellspring of love that is your essence, then share your gifts with the world from a place of fulfillment and meaning, through a profound understanding of the interaction between your psychological and spiritual natures. While conventional success can deplete you, authentic success only fills you up.
Your ability to enjoy life comes from being present in the moment rather than caught up in habitual, negative thoughts that take you out of the Now. Sydney Banks’ wisdom supports you in becoming aware of how you get seduced by your limited personal thinking and thus, create a painful reality of misunderstanding, fear and restriction. When you recognize how and why this happens, you can step free of the pattern. This understanding assists you to dismiss unhelpful thoughts and not take them seriously. Unlike traditional self-help or therapy, experiencing more psychological freedom and enjoyment does not rely on techniques. There are no magic bullets on the path of well-being. All you need to do is follow an internal compass that points to the truth of who you really are—beyond transient thoughts to your unchanging, formless essence.
Greater psychological freedom is the gift that keeps on giving. How grateful would you feel if you no longer had to listen to your negative, self-punishing and painful inner narrative, day in and day out? Understanding the role of thought and recognizing how it creates your feelings of insecurity and self-doubt is truly liberating! You will be better able to hear and heed your inner wisdom and become less driven by the noisy thoughts of fear and constriction. As an ongoing practice, this allows you to more fully experience your resilience and reach a greater sense of clarity about how you want to move forward in your life. As a result, you can live in a way that feels authentic and true in every area, including your career, family, home, creative expression, play, relationships and overall well-being.
When you no longer give authority to the fear-based thoughts in your consciousness, all you are left with is happiness. Through the teachings of Sydney Banks, you can see how your psychological functioning works, which makes you less compelled to follow those thoughts that do not serve you. Becoming more aware of the wholeness and integration of both your human and spiritual natures helps to ground you in the unchanging essence of who you are, and ride out the ups and downs of your emotional experience more gracefully. Accepting the normalcy of your humanness will naturally reduce your anxiety and fear and enhance your joy and happiness in each moment. By placing less pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or be hung up on self-improvement, you may find that low moods do not derail or debilitate you; instead, you will become much more attuned to your innate wellbeing and peace of mind and experience more happiness as a result.
One of the first areas people often experience profound transformation from the teachings of Sydney Banks is in their relationships, both personal and professional. While it often seems like another person’s irritation, anger, indifference, insensitivity, rudeness, etc., directly affects your experience, in reality your disturbance is a product of your own individual thinking. By making someone else responsible for how you feel, that person automatically becomes the cause of your suffering. Once you understand that you always have a place of well-being inside, independent of another’s behavior, it is easier to maintain equanimity through their changing moods and behaviors. Romantically, you may experience deeper love and intimacy with your partner, but the teachings benefit all relationships. This awareness supports more authentic connection and expression, while facilitating greater understanding, improved communication, reduced reactivity, more acceptance of self and others, and improved ability to work out differences and find common ground. Best of all, just one person shifting in a relationship is enough to transform it.
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Barbara Patterson
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Peter Leighton
21.05.2018 at 06:15You guys are a really cute couple. You must really have fun doing this blog together.
Rohini
21.05.2018 at 11:40Thanks Peter! We do have a lot of fun. We also have challenges too, but it is a great vehicle that helps as learn and grow as a couple, and hopefully also helps people along the way!