Relationship problems can feel all-consuming. When we experience emotional suffering it is hard not to focus on the issue and try to find a way out of it. Unfortunately, what this does is magnify the problem in our mind and this only takes us further away from resolution.
It may feel counter-intuitive, but the best way to support yourself when you are experiencing relationship issues, or any other issue for that matter, is to look away from the problem. This is not said with the intent of sweeping the issue under the rug. It is said with the clearest intention of supporting you with getting perspective and waking up to new possibilities.
The personal mind gets very overused in modern culture. It is usually not given adequate time to rest and relax. When the mind gets tired and tight it loses perspective and looks away from the experience of who we are beyond all of our thoughts and feelings. This loss is painful. It is disorienting. When we are struggling it is an indicator that we have lost the perspective that comes from a quiet personal mind.
Fortunately, the natural design of the mind is to quiet. If you leave your thoughts alone you are designed to drop into the experience of simply being. This is our natural state and we fall into it all the time without thinking about it, without trying, and often without noticing it. Our default setting is to relax.
What a quiet mind offers is a return to the experience of who you are. It is refreshing and revitalizing. It is nourishing. You get filled up and resourced from your true nature of love and wellbeing. It is healing for the personal mind.
You don’t need to do anything. The deeper experience of yourself takes care of your personal psychology. It simply requires being open to experiencing this inner state of depth and love.
When you are upset, this can feel impossible. It can feel like you are never going to get there. That you have lost it forever. It can look like you won’t be okay unless something changes on the outside.
But I want to reassure you. It is never lost. It is never gone. It is always there, waiting for you to come back. There is nothing to fear. The challenge is that when we are upset we forget to look in the direction of our being and get caught up in doing. Our fear drives us in the direction that takes us further and further away from the experience of love that is what we are looking for.
We thrash about in our emotional turmoil the way someone who can’t swim thrashes about in the water afraid of drowning. If they only knew they could relax and float.
You can relax into your emotional experience whatever it is and find your natural buoyancy. It is in the letting go that you get to experience this not in the thrashing around.
When you are upset. When you feel there is a problem. When you want to resolve an issue. Rather than thrashing around in your mind and whipping up your emotions. Instead, remember you can float. Allow yourself to relax into your experience. Not with the intention of changing it. Simply with the intention of relaxing the mind and just being with the experience as it is.
Instead of running toward the problem and trying to attack it. Let the problem recede into the background and let your being come into the foreground.
What happens is you naturally find balance and perspective. You experience the peace of mind that is your true nature. You might need to be patient, but it is there. This is the kindest direction to look in when upset.
Not because you are sweeping the problem under the rug, but because you will see the problem transform in front of your eyes. It will either no longer look the same. I am sure you have had this experience before. I know I have where something looks like a huge issue when I am stirred up and then when I am settled I think to myself what was I so worked up about? This isn’t a big deal.
Or if there is something to be done, rather than that something being a problem that can’t be figured out. It is just obvious what needs to be done. There is neutrality and equanimity in recognizing the next step. This does not mean that the entire path is illuminated, but the next step is revealed and clear.
This is missed when the idea is to work on a relationship. There is no work to be done on a relationship. There is no problem to be solved in a relationship. There is only ever an experience of disconnection from your true nature where you get scared and suffer. This is always temporary and something that doesn’t need to be scary because you are never actually disconnected from the love, peace, contentment, and wisdom that lie within you. They are who you are. You just have the experience of not being that.
Remembering this is the best thing you can do when you feel you have a relationship problem. The opportunity is to always wake up and see beyond the problem. Or another way of saying it is to use perceived problems to help you wake up.
There is no prescription regarding what to do in your relationship. Only you have those answers. I am pointing you to the true source of wisdom that lies within that you have access to. It is yours because it is you. It can be hard to hear when the noise of your personal thinking is loud and your emotions are intense.
Be gentle with yourself when you have this experience. Be kind to yourself. It is normal. It is human. There is nothing wrong with you. And remember you can always let go and relax into what is. You don’t need to thrash around.
Let the buoyancy of your true nature carry you home.
Sending you my love!
Rohini Ross is passionate about helping people wake up to their full potential. She is a transformative coach, leadership consultant, a regular blogger for Thrive Global, and author of the short-read Marriage (The Soul-Centered Series Book 1) available on Amazon. You can get her free eBook Relationships here. Rohini has an international coaching and consulting practice based in Los Angeles helping individuals, couples, and professionals embrace all of who they are so they can experience greater levels of well-being, resiliency, and success. She is also the founder of The Soul-Centered Series: Psychology, Spirituality, and the Teachings of Sydney Banks. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and watch her Vlogs with her husband. To learn more about her work go to her website, rohiniross.com.