Let Your True Nature Handle Your Relationship Problems
Relationship problems can feel all-consuming. When we experience emotional suffering it is hard not to focus on the issue and try to find a way out of it. Unfortunately, what this does is magnify the problem in our mind and this only takes us further away from resolution.
It may feel counter-intuitive, but the best way to support yourself when you are experiencing relationship issues, or any other issue for that matter, is to look away from the problem. This is not said with the intent of sweeping the issue under the rug. It is said with the clearest intention of supporting you with getting perspective and waking up to new possibilities.
The personal mind gets very overused in modern culture. It is usually not given adequate time to rest and relax. When the mind gets tired and tight it loses perspective and looks away from the experience of who we are beyond all of our thoughts and feelings. This loss is painful. It is disorienting. When we are struggling it is an indicator that we have lost the perspective that comes from a quiet personal mind.
Fortunately, the natural design of the mind is to quiet. If you leave your thoughts alone you are designed to drop into the experience of simply being. This is our natural state and we fall into it all the time without thinking about it, without trying, and often without noticing it. Our default setting is to relax.
What a quiet mind offers is a return to the experience of who you are. It is refreshing and revitalizing. It is nourishing. You get filled up and resourced from your true nature of love and wellbeing. It is healing for the personal mind.
You don’t need to do anything. The deeper experience of yourself takes care of your personal psychology. It simply requires being open to experiencing this inner state of depth and love.
When you are upset, this can feel impossible. It can feel like you are never going to get there. That you have lost it forever. It can look like you won’t be okay unless something changes on the outside.
But I want to reassure you. It is never lost. It is never gone. It is always there, waiting for you to come back. There is nothing to fear. The challenge is that when we are upset we forget to look in the direction of our being and get caught up in doing. Our fear drives us in the direction that takes us further and further away from the experience of love that is what we are looking for.
We thrash about in our emotional turmoil the way someone who can’t swim thrashes about in the water afraid of drowning. If they only knew they could relax and float.
You can relax into your emotional experience whatever it is and find your natural buoyancy. It is in the letting go that you get to experience this not in the thrashing around.
When you are upset. When you feel there is a problem. When you want to resolve an issue. Rather than thrashing around in your mind and whipping up your emotions. Instead, remember you can float. Allow yourself to relax into your experience. Not with the intention of changing it. Simply with the intention of relaxing the mind and just being with the experience as it is.
Instead of running toward the problem and trying to attack it. Let the problem recede into the background and let your being come into the foreground.
What happens is you naturally find balance and perspective. You experience the peace of mind that is your true nature. You might need to be patient, but it is there. This is the kindest direction to look in when upset.
Not because you are sweeping the problem under the rug, but because you will see the problem transform in front of your eyes. It will either no longer look the same. I am sure you have had this experience before. I know I have where something looks like a huge issue when I am stirred up and then when I am settled I think to myself what was I so worked up about? This isn’t a big deal.
Or if there is something to be done, rather than that something being a problem that can’t be figured out. It is just obvious what needs to be done. There is neutrality and equanimity in recognizing the next step. This does not mean that the entire path is illuminated, but the next step is revealed and clear.
This is missed when the idea is to work on a relationship. There is no work to be done on a relationship. There is no problem to be solved in a relationship. There is only ever an experience of disconnection from your true nature where you get scared and suffer. This is always temporary and something that doesn’t need to be scary because you are never actually disconnected from the love, peace, contentment, and wisdom that lie within you. They are who you are. You just have the experience of not being that.
Remembering this is the best thing you can do when you feel you have a relationship problem. The opportunity is to always wake up and see beyond the problem. Or another way of saying it is to use perceived problems to help you wake up.
There is no prescription regarding what to do in your relationship. Only you have those answers. I am pointing you to the true source of wisdom that lies within that you have access to. It is yours because it is you. It can be hard to hear when the noise of your personal thinking is loud and your emotions are intense.
Be gentle with yourself when you have this experience. Be kind to yourself. It is normal. It is human. There is nothing wrong with you. And remember you can always let go and relax into what is. You don’t need to thrash around.
Let the buoyancy of your true nature carry you home.
Sending you my love!
Rohini Ross is passionate about helping people wake up to their full potential. She is a transformative coach, leadership consultant, a regular blogger for Thrive Global, and author of the short-read Marriage (The Soul-Centered Series Book 1) available on Amazon. You can get her free eBook Relationships here. Rohini has an international coaching and consulting practice based in Los Angeles helping individuals, couples, and professionals embrace all of who they are so they can experience greater levels of well-being, resiliency, and success. She is also the founder of The Soul-Centered Series: Psychology, Spirituality, and the Teachings of Sydney Banks. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and watch her Vlogs with her husband. To learn more about her work go to her website, rohiniross.com.
Christine Heath & Judy Sedgeman – Spirituality and Resilience
When you no longer give authority to the fear-based thoughts in your consciousness, all you are left with is happiness. Through the teachings of Sydney Banks, you can see how your psychological functioning works, which makes you less compelled to follow those thoughts that do not serve you. Becoming more aware of the wholeness and integration of both your human and spiritual natures helps to ground you in the unchanging essence of who you are, and ride out the ups and downs of your emotional experience more gracefully. Accepting the normalcy of your humanness will naturally reduce your anxiety and fear and enhance your joy and happiness in each moment. By placing less pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or be hung up on self-improvement, you may find that low moods do not derail or debilitate you; instead, you will become much more attuned to your innate wellbeing and peace of mind and experience more happiness as a result.
Greater psychological freedom is the gift that keeps on giving. How grateful would you feel if you no longer had to listen to your negative, self-punishing and painful inner narrative, day in and day out? Understanding the role of thought and recognizing how it creates your feelings of insecurity and self-doubt is truly liberating! You will be better able to hear and heed your inner wisdom and become less driven by the noisy thoughts of fear and constriction. As an ongoing practice, this allows you to more fully experience your resilience and reach a greater sense of clarity about how you want to move forward in your life. As a result, you can live in a way that feels authentic and true in every area, including your career, family, home, creative expression, play, relationships and overall well-being.
Your ability to enjoy life comes from being present in the moment rather than caught up in habitual, negative thoughts that take you out of the Now. Sydney Banks’ wisdom supports you in becoming aware of how you get seduced by your limited personal thinking and thus, create a painful reality of misunderstanding, fear and restriction. When you recognize how and why this happens, you can step free of the pattern. This understanding assists you to dismiss unhelpful thoughts and not take them seriously. Unlike traditional self-help or therapy, experiencing more psychological freedom and enjoyment does not rely on techniques. There are no magic bullets on the path of well-being. All you need to do is follow an internal compass that points to the truth of who you really are—beyond transient thoughts to your unchanging, formless essence.
In our culture, success is often associated with hard work and narrowly defined as material gain. However, authentic success, as shared by Sydney Banks, includes such intangibles as happiness, well-being, love, joy, compassion, and peace of mind that are innate in each one of us, along with outward goals and achievements. It honors the whole person in all walks of life, whether you are a professional, leader, executive, solopreneur, employee, mother, teacher or student. From this knowing and experience, you can access the infinite wellspring of love that is your essence, then share your gifts with the world from a place of fulfillment and meaning, through a profound understanding of the interaction between your psychological and spiritual natures. While conventional success can deplete you, authentic success only fills you up.
Are you self-critical, hard on yourself, and constantly trying to “fix” whatever you think is wrong with you? Perhaps you have tried all kinds of different personal growth techniques and spiritual practices in the hope of solving all your problems. This cycle can be exhausting and never-ending, because there will always be something to improve about yourself, from that mindset. Sydney Banks’ teachings can help you to see how your humanness is normal and not something that needs fixing: as a spiritual person, you don’t need to change or eradicate your humanness! Seeing yourself as normal allows you to love and accept yourself exactly as you are—warts and all. Adopting this perspective naturally brings out the best in you and helps to find peace with your personality. Self-love and self-acceptance is your natural state, and any disconnection from your true nature is only temporary. What a relief!
One of the first areas people often experience profound transformation from the teachings of Sydney Banks is in their relationships, both personal and professional. While it often seems like another person’s irritation, anger, indifference, insensitivity, rudeness, etc., directly affects your experience, in reality your disturbance is a product of your own individual thinking. By making someone else responsible for how you feel, that person automatically becomes the cause of your suffering. Once you understand that you always have a place of well-being inside, independent of another’s behavior, it is easier to maintain equanimity through their changing moods and behaviors. Romantically, you may experience deeper love and intimacy with your partner, but the teachings benefit all relationships. This awareness supports more authentic connection and expression, while facilitating greater understanding, improved communication, reduced reactivity, more acceptance of self and others, and improved ability to work out differences and find common ground. Best of all, just one person shifting in a relationship is enough to transform it.
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