Sexual Frustration is in the Mind
Sexual Frustration is in the Mind. This is our contribution to International Women’s Day. Sexual frustration is made up.
In the past, Angus and I would have a lot of conflict over the frequency of sex. He would take personally if I had a low sex drive. I would take it personally that he would take it personally and goodwill would plummet in our relationship. And along with it my desire for sex would decrease even further and Angus’ frustration would intensify. It began to look like a real problem between us as our resentment grew.
What we both see now is that those experiences, no matter how real they felt, were coming from our own minds. We were each creating our experience of upset by reacting to our own insecure thoughts. The other person was never responsible for how we felt. If I either one of us had been able to see clearly, we would not have taken the other person’s behavior personally. Angus would not have fixated on his thoughts of not getting sex and built a story around that, and I would not have focused on my story of resentment about having an insensitive husband. We didn’t see what we were doing at the time. Fortunately, the natural state of all relationships is love. So in spite of ourselves, we would at some point drop our thinking and fall back into our natural state of peace and feel the love that is our true nature. Until we forgot and got caught up again.
Now the greater ease we experience in our marriage and ourselves is that we understand how our upset does not come from the other person, not even from not having sex or from having a frustrated partner. We know our experience is a reflection of our thoughts in the moment. We still have the capacity to get caught up in thought, but we take it less seriously when we do. We are less likely to build a novel or a series of novels around our story of upset. We are more likely to see our upset for what it is, our own stirred up thinking, so things don’t tend to look like problems between us. And if we forget, we eventually remember the problem is not out there. It is made up inside. It is so much easier to solve problems that don’t exist.
Rohini and Angus are both coaches. They work with individuals, leaders, and organizations to increase performance and success. They also love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord so they can experience more love and harmony in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized three-day couples intensives that support the deepening of connection and understanding. They work with couples who are struggling and couples who would like to deepen the love and intimacy they already have. Rohini is the author of Marriage (The Soul-Centered Series Book 1) and founder of The Soul-Centered Series: Psychology, Spirituality and the Teachings of Sydney Banks being offered in Santa Monica, California starting October 2018. You can also subscribe to her weekly blog that includes this weekly Vlog on her website, rohiniross.com.