Sometimes Shame Gets the Better of Us
Angus shares how he feels he did a bad job with public speaking. I point out that it is impossible for him to know how he did when he is experiencing so much self-judgment. It is easy to be hard on ourselves when we are gripped by our thoughts of shame and feeling the effect of them. Going over what happened does not help. It breathes more life into the critical thoughts and results in more intense feelings of shame and less perspective. The best way we have found to navigate shame is to recognize when what we are thinking about is too sensitive to contemplate, and then put those thoughts on the back burner until we have more perspective.
Thoughts naturally dissipate when not given attention. Even reframing shameful thoughts gives them more power. Doing something with them makes them look more real rather than waking up the temporary illusion they are. Every one of us will experience moments of shame when we get gripped by our judgmental thoughts. The way through is to see the experience for what it is. A passing state resulting from being temporarily gripped by distorted thoughts. There is freedom in seeing this. It is powerful to know that thoughts and feelings are transitory and painful experiences do not mean anything about us or need to be taken seriously. This allows us to stop fueling our negative thoughts by trying to change them or focusing on them, and gets easier and easier the more we see our natural state is wellbeing. We do not have to earn or work at feeling good. It is the truth of who we are.
Rohini and Angus are both coaches. They work with individuals, leaders, and organizations to increase performance and success. They also love working with couples and helping them reduce conflict and discord so they can experience more love and harmony in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized three-day couples intensives that support the deepening of connection and understanding. They work with couples who are struggling and couples who would like to deepen the love and intimacy they already have. Rohini is the author of Marriage (The Soul-Centered Series Book 1) and founder of The Soul-Centered Series: Psychology, Spirituality and the Teachings of Sydney Banks being offered in Santa Monica, California starting October 2018. You can also subscribe to her weekly blog that includes this weekly Vlog on her website, rohiniross.com.