Ego Crushing Reflections on Mother's Day
Rohini Ross

Ego Crushing Reflections on Mother’s Day

I am writing this on Mother’s Day as Angus and my eldest daughter are cooking brunch in the kitchen. It’s a cool day compared to the last days that were really warm, but there is a clear blue sky and the bougainvillea’s pink flowers are gently swaying in the breeze. I can hear clattering in the kitchen, but they seem to be working out their cooking differences amicable.

 

Our youngest daughter has chosen to enter a residential program for her mental health so she is not with us today. She wanted to attend a traditional program that had nothing to do with my work. I assume this is healthy individuation. We found a program that we both liked that is close by, but due to the social distancing orders, we cannot see each other.

 

As a mother, I find myself feeling that it must be due to my failings that she is experiencing what she is. My thoughts run to if I were a better mother, she would be happier and feel better within herself. This situation must be a reflection of my level of consciousness. It doesn’t help that I have been given a 20-page form to fill out about her childhood history. Everything is being looked at microscopically.

 

I don’t think I am wallowing, but I am allowing myself to be with my feelings that are so mixed up I don’t really know what I feel.

 

Some might say love is not enough. Some might say what good is an understanding if it can’t be shared well enough for children not to suffer? Some might say, I trusted in her wisdom too much.

 

And with all of my human experience, there is a knowing that the unfolding of what is, is not personal. I can’t take responsibility for all of what I perceive as good. I also can’t take responsibility for all of what I perceive as the bad.

 

It is like the Taoist farmer story where the farmer’s horse runs away and the neighbor says that’s terrible and the farmer responds with maybe. The next day the horse returns with three more wild horses and the neighbor says that is wonderful, and the farmer responds with maybe. The next day the farmer’s son breaks his leg trying to ride one of the wild horses, and the neighbor says that terrible. Again the farmer responds with maybe. The following day someone from the army comes to draft young men, but because the son’s leg is broken he can’t go. The neighbor is delighted by this good fortune, and the farmer says maybe.

 

There is nothing inherently good or bad. there is just what is, the one expression of the energy behind life expressing itself in the diversity of form, but fundamentally coming from the same source.

 

When I put my personal preferences aside I know this to be true.

 

But there is a gap between my personal experience and my impersonal knowing. The gap between what I believe as a concept and what I know experientially. I used to judge this gap and believed it was proof of my lack of worthiness. Now I am comfortable with the gap. I know it doesn’t mean anything about me. I don’t have to strive to be self-realized. I don’t have to push myself to learn more. Where I am and what I see is good enough.  It is okay to be in the process of stripping away my conditioning and beliefs. Being and becoming coexist within me.

 

I am grateful for this human experience that allows me to feel heartache and shame, not because I want those feelings, but the energy behind these feelings wakes me up. The depth of feeling brings me present and forces me to be in the now. There is softening. There is vulnerability. There is love. There is a letting go. There is a quietening of the mind that allows me to feel the spark of my essence more fully. Allowing the feelings brings me a greater feeling of closeness to who I am. I am not trying to do anything with my feelings. I am just letting them be without resistance.

 

I am sure I am not the only person feeling guilt, shame, and loss on Mother’s Day as well as gratitude and love. I share my experience as an invitation for you to allow yourself to embrace all of your humanness knowing it is not separate from your spiritual nature. It is through opening to it fully and being with it unconditionally that you get present to what and who you are beyond that. Be with your experience and see the space that opens up within when you allow room for all of you beyond all of your ideas and concepts of who you should be.

 

I know I have not been a perfect mother and fallen short in many ways, and that means nothing about me. My ego is crushed by not living up to my idealized version of myself, and that is a good thing. I want it to be shaken loose from its position of dominance in my consciousness so I can step into what I don’t know and can’t yet see.

 

I am grateful that my daughter asked for help and listened to her own wisdom as to what she wanted to do. It is am grateful to be able to allow myself to be present to my experience without trying to manage and control it. I am grateful to share it with you in my vulnerability as an invitation to you to step into the vulnerability of letting go of your own concepts and to allow yourself to drop into your open heart. Let your own ego be crushed by the failure to live up to its concepts and expectations and instead be open to the pure experience of you. It is in the openness that you feel who you are beyond your experience.

 

Rohini Ross is passionate about helping people wake up to their full potential. She is a transformative coach, leadership consultant, a regular blogger for Thrive Global, and author of the short-read Marriage (The Soul-Centered Series Book 1) available on Amazon. You can get her free eBook Relationships here. Rohini has an international coaching and consulting practice based in Los Angeles helping individuals, couples, and professionals embrace all of who they are so they can experience greater levels of well-being, resiliency, and success. She is also the founder of The Soul-Centered Series: Psychology, Spirituality, and the Teachings of Sydney Banks. You can follow Rohini on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram, and watch her Vlogs with her husband. To learn more about her work go to her website, rohiniross.com.

23 Comments

  • Mike Tallering

    11.05.2020 at 06:14 Reply

    Just beautiful Rohini.

  • Mary Rafferty

    11.05.2020 at 06:17 Reply

    Beautiful Rohini, love how you can hold up the impersonal and the personal. Sending you and your daughter loving wishes and thoughts as another mother of two wonderful daughters, my heart was touched by your openness with this. xx Mary

  • Dawn W

    11.05.2020 at 06:24 Reply

    What incredibly vulnerable and honest sharing Rohini. Your own pointing to the removal of ego, to pointing deeper inside is a reminder to me that I really do live in a separate reality than those I love. AND that no matter what I think they should be doing and how they should be dealing with adversity Divine Mind always knows what’s best for them. Love and Understanding.
    Dawn – Devon, UK

  • Ruth Friddle

    11.05.2020 at 06:27 Reply

    Thank you so much Rohini for sharing this. I can certainly relate on many levels. This ‘Mom-thing’ is not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure. I, too, experience the guilt and shame and wonderings about how I maybe failed my child because they are experiencing their own challenges and, from my perspective, don’t seem well-equipped, for which I blame myself. Of course they ARE well-equipped and they will figure out their own way through whatever is on their path forward. The challenge for me is that it won’t look the same as mine and so I’ll have judgments and opinions about it that keep me stirred-up and anxious and maybe denigrate my child’s wisdom and personal choices and feelings. I catch myself caught in trying to control their life to ‘protect’ them…from the external and the internal. There is that gap you speak of. I’m still learning how to be at peace in that gap of loving and letting go. As you shared, I know it intellectually but don’t always sense it in my experiences. We’re all a work in progress I guess. I deeply appreciate your vulnerability and honesty. There is deep healing within that. Thank you.

  • Gayle Lindell

    11.05.2020 at 06:36 Reply

    My heart to you, Rohini! Thank you for your transparency & vulnerability to share this in light of my experience that I have recently shared with you about my daughter. Your wisdom supports how I can learn to continue walking through my life with love, grace, acceptance & ease. What else could any of us desire to live life to the fullest? My Love to you, your daughter, Angus, & your older daughter.

  • Cathy

    11.05.2020 at 06:39 Reply

    While standing at the kitchen counter, I began to read your blog. It wasn’t long before I took a deep breath and sat down to continue reading. This writing has deeply touched me. I feel tears & an opening in my heart. Thank you for all that you & Angus share with the world.

  • Jeanne Monteiro

    11.05.2020 at 07:02 Reply

    I really enjoyed this post and truly appreciate your honesty. Your willingness to be so vulnerable is an invitation for me to do the same. Motherhood….what a freekin journey. Thank you, beautiful Mama Rohini.

  • Jessie Marcus

    11.05.2020 at 07:53 Reply

    So raw, so real, so true. Thank you for letting go of any images of how you may want to be seen and sharing from the depths of your truth. You move us all forward with your honesty and vulnerability. Sending you so much love.

  • Dawn Shaw

    11.05.2020 at 08:29 Reply

    Wow, Rohini, so raw, honest and vulnerable, it touches my heart. I can relate so much to what you are saying, I also have two girls ages 17 and 20. I realize I have this ideal mom in mind that I feel I need to strive for and most, if not all days, I never get there and I feel like a failure as a mom no matter how much I do even though I do understand at this stage they are trying to separate which can be so painful as a mom. Letting go of that identity is definitely something I need to work on, so nice of you to open up and share a personal experience like that, I truly appreciate it.

  • ray hutcherson

    11.05.2020 at 09:26 Reply

    Blessings. You may know I have a daughter. She is 22. Lost her job. Living in LA. She fluctuates, Ha. Low grade depression with a chaser of rage and tears marbled with a calm knowing of “I got. this.” She and I went on a 10 week trip last year to Thailand, Bali and Vietnam. She had the “greatest” Christmas ever in Thailand and then the “winging” Sctottish phrase for complaining — started in Bali. By Vietnam it was time for her to return to LA and continue her “individuating”. Dad felt relief. She seems UP right now by right now I mean yesterday. Laughing at her mother and grandmother. Her grandmother has a black eye from a fall. Typical of her line of energy she has chosen to emerge from. I feel last week down a hill in Mazunte, Mexico in the pitch black dark . I was naked and only scraped my right side even when I slid under the barbwire fence. I crawled back to the top of the hill in the pitch black no moon darkness. Washed off the blood. I was a medic at one time. I was very calm and thankful I missed the barbed wire. The falling made me feel stronger. I am already healed. It’s amazing. Blessings.

  • Lisa Johnson

    11.05.2020 at 09:50 Reply

    I love your honesty Rohini and the strength in your vulnerability.

  • Deb Crader

    11.05.2020 at 11:33 Reply

    Rohini, so much of your story is mine also. Your sharing brings a relief and the ability to take a deep breath again. I didn’t know I was holding it. I promised myself I would allow myself to feel loved inspite of my fear that I don’t measure up. My children love me I know that. They show me and tell me all the time. I told my daughter she was so blessed that her boys wanted to spend time with her. She said it’s the same reason I want to spend time with you mom because I love you. Sicronicity happened, two hours before I promised I would let love in.
    Thank you for your sharing.
    Love Debbie

  • Emma

    11.05.2020 at 11:54 Reply

    Dearest Rohini,
    Thank you for your wise words, as ever. For me, by far the hardest part of bringing up my children was/is letting them go. And I think it’s super hard for them to separate too… I’m sure that’s why a lot of teens take a ton of drugs (I did!). It seems to me that your gorgeous daughter is very courageous and level headed to choose this way of separation to find her own true path. Sending love to you all, as always xx

  • Melissa Maiorano

    11.05.2020 at 12:57 Reply

    This is beyond breathtaking. Thank you for sharing. It will impact more lives than you will ever know. Much love and respsct,
    Missy

  • Julie Parrott

    11.05.2020 at 13:01 Reply

    Thank you Rohini, for your honest sharing and vulnerability. I have never been a mother, basically too scared , just didn’t happen anyway, so salute everyone who is, I’m sure an enriching experience if sometimes frustrating. But must be hard to know what you know and see your daughter suffer nevertheless. But I guess in the end our experience is not about not suffering , as then there would be no contrast. Maybe if I had understood that better sooner, I might have had children, and worried less that I would somehow ruin them. But who knows. Love to you x

  • Lynn Underhill

    11.05.2020 at 13:06 Reply

    I love you Rohini. I feel your deep love of your children. My children and grandchildren are my heart. So many times were not easy. When Adam was an infant I had a dream where I looked deep in his green eyes as a man. In difficult times I would remember that dream. With each of them, there were times when all there was to do was be with their light and trust. Every time we all grew in ways we never imagined.

  • Valerie Maguire

    11.05.2020 at 14:50 Reply

    Your blog is beautiful Rohino and so touching in it’s vulnerability and humanity. I feel that it’s an honour to hear our story and it gives such permission to us all in our own humanity. Sending much love and also much gratitude for the fabulous experience of The Rewilding Experience! It’s a great experience and i’ Be already had a few insights, I must share in the group. Xx Valerie

  • Tanya

    11.05.2020 at 14:52 Reply

    Thank you Rohini for your beautiful blog about Mother’s Day, your daughter and all the feelings and emotions that entails. Especially relating to mental health.
    I have shared this understanding with my daughter and it has certainly helped her to get in touch with her own wisdom. We also have had used the usual methods of help and she uses her own wisdom to guide herself with the information she’s been given from both.
    I too have questioned my own worth as a parent and what impact I would have on her but I now see I was doing my best in any given situation and for that I am kinder with myself. She can also see this in me.
    I understand she is totally on her own journey guided by her Innate health and wisdom. As I’ve seen more and she’s become more independent there have been times where I can clearly see she has her true north setting. Things she’s never done before or we’ve even discussed but she seems to navigate it ( mostly) beautifully.
    Thank you for sharing.

  • Karen

    11.05.2020 at 20:49 Reply

    Dear Rohini,
    Thank you so, so much for your honesty in sharing what and who is so near and dear to your heart. Me too with my kids. Me too with all you shared. I loved your sharing. The at times struggle for me is to be with the feelings of discomfort, instead I want to take the reins and drive! Yes, it is ego who wants to keep me safe and comfortable. But I see now it is the times of greatest discomfort that I grew the most. Me too with wanting the best for my kids and now two beautiful gran daughters. But I am not the driver, never was! What a relief to see this! Thank SO much for your sharing : ))

  • Therese Townsend

    12.05.2020 at 13:03 Reply

    Oh gosh, Rohini….thank you for sharing from this tender and beautiful place that is you, so that I might be closer to this place that is me too. I am deeply moved…
    In loving, Therese

  • Susan Bigelow

    12.05.2020 at 14:48 Reply

    When you open your real life up to us all, we out here, identify more from your telling of your story. It allows us to see we are all on the road together. What resonated with me was your acceptance your daughter followed her own wisdom to seek the help she needed outside of her family. This shows a woman taking responsibility and owning her own journey. She like you did, on your journey, will use this experience for the good for others along her path. Ahead of you all as a family, will be a richer understanding where your daughters insights I’ll be a contribution to the whole. They may be different ways but will spark new generative thoughts where she can own her on part and feel the inclusion and melding of her new learnings with your own. They perhaps maynot resonate with yours at first but don’t battle it go with it. She will find her path by combining it all to reach her own peace. Xxxx love to you.

  • Inge Morton

    13.05.2020 at 14:18 Reply

    Thank you for your powerful, open sharing. I have never met you but I feel deeply touched by your brave vulnerability.
    ~Inge

  • Dan Tollman

    15.05.2020 at 04:08 Reply

    Wow thank you Rohini. You’re right – it helped. Sitting with feelings of inadequacy, shame, loss, what an exercise during quarantine! It feels like we’re in emotional boot camp right now. Thank you for the signposts for working with the mind and ego, and letting it be, as always…

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