Coping Mechanisms Aren’t Rational — They Are Spiritual
The final Soul-Centered Series starts this Friday, and there are just a few spots left. It is with curiosity and excitement that Angus and I await to see who is going to complete the group of this final class.
I can feel the energy moving inside of me already. I always feel like the program starts as soon as you sign up for it, and Angus and I signed up for this back in April when we decided to do it one last time!
In the midst of the final preparations, I noticed that my habit of picking the skin around my fingers has flared up. I know this is a reflection of my state of mind, and for the first time ever, I am grateful that this is showing up. There have been more difficult times in the past where my state of mind would be reflected back to me in other areas, in particular, in my relationship with Angus.
I used to be blind as to how the difficulties I experienced in our relationship were a reflection of my own state of mind and nothing to do with our relationship. I used to fixate on how to fix and improve our relationship when I was scared and anxious thinking if I could just figure the relationship out my suffering would go away. Of course, it would just tie me up in knots and leave me feeling very ambivalent about our relationship, with no diminishment of my suffering whatsoever.
As unappealing as skin picking is, I do recognize this as progress. And for the first time, I am feeling genuine compassion for myself around it. I feel room for the humanness of my feeling overstretched. I don’t have to have it all together as I show up in the world. Getting everything done, staying on top of things, preparing the container for the program, it is stirring up my anxious thoughts. I might not be that aware of it, but the state of my fingers lets me know.
Our coping mechanisms can seem so removed from our experience of anxiety and fear. They can seem completely unrelated. I have no idea why my wisdom had me start chewing my cuticles around age 10 as a way to soothe myself, but that is how it showed up for me. It also showed up in a myriad of other ways throughout my life such as perfectionism and fault finding in my intimate relationships.
What is it for you?
What are the coping mechanisms that give you feedback about your state of mind?
I ask because what I have found is that when I see my coping mechanisms as an indicator of how much I am caught up in my ego’s perceptions of separation and fear, compassion is the natural response. Instead of judgment, shame, and repulsion, kindness appears.
Are you open to seeing your coping mechanisms this way?
Not because it will change them or stop them, but simply to allow yourself to become more present with yourself. Can you see the coping mechanism for what it is — a cry for help? Seeing this allowed me to get present with the cry and actually see more clearly what would be helpful.
Previously, when all I could see were my judgments, the by-product was shame. This provided more fuel for the behavior. This time, in my witnessing, I have room for my emotions. I have room for the level of consciousness I am at with its unenlightened limitations. I have space for my fear. And in my presence, I am not consumed by my fear or my coping mechanism. In being with my experience, there is love. There is compassion. There is a feeling of being held and supported that is beyond my personal self. That is wellbeing.
Sharing my imperfections goes against the grain of all my conditioning. My ego screams in dismay, but the gift of the understanding shared by Sydney Banks has me not be that bothered by this. I don’t mind my ego’s grumblings. Its strength and influence have shrunk considerably. I am grateful for the inner freedom I experience from being pointed in such a simple way to my spiritual nature. It is a way that is embodied and experiential. I am so thankful for all of my mentors who have loved and supported me along the way.
There is no one way to experience who you really are. In fact, there is no way — there is just what is. Right here. Right now.
It is the acceptance of my humanness that opened my mind to experience more fully who I am beyond thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
I encourage you to look in the same direction. It is through being with what is, as it is, that you can fall into a deeper experience of who you are. Your coping mechanisms are not a problem, they are the best solution you have in that moment to bring you back to your Self.
Coping mechanisms are not rational. They are spiritual. They are your guides. Can you listen to them with an open mind and an open heart and let them guide you back to your source?
From looking in that direction, your coping mechanisms will take care of themselves. Some of my coping mechanisms no longer show up at all. Some disappear and are revisited once and awhile like the picking. What I see is that it is through leaving the coping mechanism alone and looking in the direction of my true nature that I find wellbeing. In that experience, no coping mechanism is needed. And when I find myself using one, it is the reminder to point me back to source.
I never knew I would have such gratitude for my picking. I didn’t realize I could love me with the behavior. I didn’t know that it was for me. It never occurred to me it was part of the oneness and not something to be eradicated so I could feel worthy.
I share openly with you in the hope that it will point you in the direction of your wholeness exactly as you are — all of you!
If you want to learn more about Sydney Banks’ teachings from his original students, click here to access a resource page.
Rohini Ross is passionate about helping people wake up to their full potential. She is a transformative coach, leadership consultant, a regular blogger for Thrive Global, and author of the short-read Marriage (The Soul-Centered Series Book 1) available on Amazon. You can get her free eBook Relationships here. Rohini has an international coaching and consulting practice based in Los Angeles helping individuals, couples, and professionals embrace all of who they are so they can experience greater levels of well-being, resiliency, and success. She is also the founder of The Soul-Centered Series: Psychology, Spirituality, and the Teachings of Sydney Banks. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and watch her Vlogs with her husband. To learn more about her work go to her website, rohiniross.com.
Christine Heath & Judy Sedgeman – Spirituality and Resilience
When you no longer give authority to the fear-based thoughts in your consciousness, all you are left with is happiness. Through the teachings of Sydney Banks, you can see how your psychological functioning works, which makes you less compelled to follow those thoughts that do not serve you. Becoming more aware of the wholeness and integration of both your human and spiritual natures helps to ground you in the unchanging essence of who you are, and ride out the ups and downs of your emotional experience more gracefully. Accepting the normalcy of your humanness will naturally reduce your anxiety and fear and enhance your joy and happiness in each moment. By placing less pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or be hung up on self-improvement, you may find that low moods do not derail or debilitate you; instead, you will become much more attuned to your innate wellbeing and peace of mind and experience more happiness as a result.
Greater psychological freedom is the gift that keeps on giving. How grateful would you feel if you no longer had to listen to your negative, self-punishing and painful inner narrative, day in and day out? Understanding the role of thought and recognizing how it creates your feelings of insecurity and self-doubt is truly liberating! You will be better able to hear and heed your inner wisdom and become less driven by the noisy thoughts of fear and constriction. As an ongoing practice, this allows you to more fully experience your resilience and reach a greater sense of clarity about how you want to move forward in your life. As a result, you can live in a way that feels authentic and true in every area, including your career, family, home, creative expression, play, relationships and overall well-being.
Your ability to enjoy life comes from being present in the moment rather than caught up in habitual, negative thoughts that take you out of the Now. Sydney Banks’ wisdom supports you in becoming aware of how you get seduced by your limited personal thinking and thus, create a painful reality of misunderstanding, fear and restriction. When you recognize how and why this happens, you can step free of the pattern. This understanding assists you to dismiss unhelpful thoughts and not take them seriously. Unlike traditional self-help or therapy, experiencing more psychological freedom and enjoyment does not rely on techniques. There are no magic bullets on the path of well-being. All you need to do is follow an internal compass that points to the truth of who you really are—beyond transient thoughts to your unchanging, formless essence.
In our culture, success is often associated with hard work and narrowly defined as material gain. However, authentic success, as shared by Sydney Banks, includes such intangibles as happiness, well-being, love, joy, compassion, and peace of mind that are innate in each one of us, along with outward goals and achievements. It honors the whole person in all walks of life, whether you are a professional, leader, executive, solopreneur, employee, mother, teacher or student. From this knowing and experience, you can access the infinite wellspring of love that is your essence, then share your gifts with the world from a place of fulfillment and meaning, through a profound understanding of the interaction between your psychological and spiritual natures. While conventional success can deplete you, authentic success only fills you up.
Are you self-critical, hard on yourself, and constantly trying to “fix” whatever you think is wrong with you? Perhaps you have tried all kinds of different personal growth techniques and spiritual practices in the hope of solving all your problems. This cycle can be exhausting and never-ending, because there will always be something to improve about yourself, from that mindset. Sydney Banks’ teachings can help you to see how your humanness is normal and not something that needs fixing: as a spiritual person, you don’t need to change or eradicate your humanness! Seeing yourself as normal allows you to love and accept yourself exactly as you are—warts and all. Adopting this perspective naturally brings out the best in you and helps to find peace with your personality. Self-love and self-acceptance is your natural state, and any disconnection from your true nature is only temporary. What a relief!
One of the first areas people often experience profound transformation from the teachings of Sydney Banks is in their relationships, both personal and professional. While it often seems like another person’s irritation, anger, indifference, insensitivity, rudeness, etc., directly affects your experience, in reality your disturbance is a product of your own individual thinking. By making someone else responsible for how you feel, that person automatically becomes the cause of your suffering. Once you understand that you always have a place of well-being inside, independent of another’s behavior, it is easier to maintain equanimity through their changing moods and behaviors. Romantically, you may experience deeper love and intimacy with your partner, but the teachings benefit all relationships. This awareness supports more authentic connection and expression, while facilitating greater understanding, improved communication, reduced reactivity, more acceptance of self and others, and improved ability to work out differences and find common ground. Best of all, just one person shifting in a relationship is enough to transform it.
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Rohini Ross
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Diane Dunn
07.10.2019 at 04:02Hi Rohini
My mind too when in low mood goes into overdrive judging my partner and relationship, it’s feels all consuming, I need to do something now! It gets so I don’t know how I feel then I come out if it and the worlds ok again. Feeling stuck in the thinking, judging, doubting and guilty of feeling this way. Throughout our time together it’s been a common thread.
Cathy
07.10.2019 at 12:28Rohini you are always spot on in your delivery of love and understanding.
Rohini
08.10.2019 at 15:02Thank you, Cathy! Glad you enjoyed it!