Trying To Be Special
I have a thing about feeling important.
I like to feel special. I like to be the favorite.
I don’t like being on the outside. I don’t like feeling less than. I don’t like feeling insignificant.
I want to be in the in-crowd. I want to finish first. I like coming out on top.
Trying to be all of this is really hard work and never satisfying because there is no such thing as arriving. There is never enough praise, validation, acknowledgment, adulation or success to take away feelings of unworthiness.
Even though I know better, at times, I still drop into feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. I still look for approval and am disappointed when I don’t get it.
Angus thinks I’m crazy when I go to him for reassurance. He doesn’t see me the way I see me in those moments.
I used to think the goal was to never feel insecure. I wanted to eradicate all of the traits I didn’t like about myself like the insecurity that leads me to want to be special so I can feel good enough. I used to think having this experience was wrong and meant I needed fixing.
The difference in my understanding now leads me to be kinder with myself when I get insecure because I know the experience has no meaning. Even if it looks real enough for me to act on it. Even if it feels strong enough for me to look outside of myself for approval. Even if it is compelling enough for me to spend time measuring myself against external markers. Even if it is sneaky enough for me to fall into the trap of comparing myself to others. This does not mean anything about my value and worth. My essence is not damaged or broken by my experience of insecurity and any behavior that ensues.
All of the things I used to want to fix about myself like insecurity and trying to be special don’t bother me as much now because I recognize them as passing experiences and not who I am. I don’t see my spiritual growth and understanding as limited by my human weaknesses. I see that I am always doing the best I can and that sometimes includes me getting insecure and caught up in self-doubt. But what does it matter if I am not my experience? Seeing the fluidity of the experience of who I am, gives me such freedom and allows me to recognize my experience is never a problem to be fixed.
Just like I don’t see the experiences of my dreams at night as problems that need to be fixed, my day- dream experiences aren’t problems either. So what if I slip into the dream of forgetfulness during the day? There is no point in me wasting energy trying to change and fix the dream. All that does is make the dream look more real and more like a problem.
I am simply grateful that I do wake up from the forgetfulness and experience the peace, well-being, and contentment of who I am. This waking up occurs naturally and brings with it the experience of freedom from trying to be more or special. It is a relief from striving when I drop into the moment. It is relaxing to be in the now. And this lasts until I forget and get caught up in some train of thinking and the dance begins all over again.
What is helpful for me is to see the source of my suffering is the striving to fix the dream of forgetfulness and looking for an external solution to the suffering that comes from within.
I am seeing more easily the folly of my seeking to feel better by going further into separation and trying to prove my specialness. How can my experience of my uniqueness ever really be satisfying when it is simply the representation of me forgetting who I really am?
Seeing this gives me more peace with the seeming paradox of being a spiritual being having a human experience. My acceptance of my frailties is much greater and with this comes more ease because I am not trying to fix myself.
If you feel any pressure to better than or special, hopefully, you can see the pressure as a signal that you are looking in the direction of separation and not toward your true nature. Any attempt to be better than or more than who you are is looking in the opposite direction from the deeper feelings of contentment and well-being that naturally result from having less of you on your mind.
Of course, we are all unique in our humanness. Each one of us has a different human experience. However, even though we are all living in our separate experiences, and our source, the intelligence behind our humanness, the spiritual nature of our being is formless, unchanging, and the same.
Rohini Ross is passionate about helping people wake up to their full potential. She is a transformative coach, leadership consultant, a regular blogger for Thrive Global, and author of the short-read Marriage (The Soul-Centered Series Book 1) available on Amazon. You can get her free ebook Relationships here. Rohini currently has an international coaching and consulting practice based in Los Angeles helping individuals, couples, and professionals embrace all of who they are so they can experience greater levels of well-being, resiliency, and success. She is also the founder of The Soul-Centered Series: Psychology, Spirituality, and the Teachings of Sydney Banks. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and watch her Vlogs with her husband. To learn more about her work go to her website, rohiniross.com.
Christine Heath & Judy Sedgeman – Spirituality and Resilience
When you no longer give authority to the fear-based thoughts in your consciousness, all you are left with is happiness. Through the teachings of Sydney Banks, you can see how your psychological functioning works, which makes you less compelled to follow those thoughts that do not serve you. Becoming more aware of the wholeness and integration of both your human and spiritual natures helps to ground you in the unchanging essence of who you are, and ride out the ups and downs of your emotional experience more gracefully. Accepting the normalcy of your humanness will naturally reduce your anxiety and fear and enhance your joy and happiness in each moment. By placing less pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or be hung up on self-improvement, you may find that low moods do not derail or debilitate you; instead, you will become much more attuned to your innate wellbeing and peace of mind and experience more happiness as a result.
Greater psychological freedom is the gift that keeps on giving. How grateful would you feel if you no longer had to listen to your negative, self-punishing and painful inner narrative, day in and day out? Understanding the role of thought and recognizing how it creates your feelings of insecurity and self-doubt is truly liberating! You will be better able to hear and heed your inner wisdom and become less driven by the noisy thoughts of fear and constriction. As an ongoing practice, this allows you to more fully experience your resilience and reach a greater sense of clarity about how you want to move forward in your life. As a result, you can live in a way that feels authentic and true in every area, including your career, family, home, creative expression, play, relationships and overall well-being.
Your ability to enjoy life comes from being present in the moment rather than caught up in habitual, negative thoughts that take you out of the Now. Sydney Banks’ wisdom supports you in becoming aware of how you get seduced by your limited personal thinking and thus, create a painful reality of misunderstanding, fear and restriction. When you recognize how and why this happens, you can step free of the pattern. This understanding assists you to dismiss unhelpful thoughts and not take them seriously. Unlike traditional self-help or therapy, experiencing more psychological freedom and enjoyment does not rely on techniques. There are no magic bullets on the path of well-being. All you need to do is follow an internal compass that points to the truth of who you really are—beyond transient thoughts to your unchanging, formless essence.
In our culture, success is often associated with hard work and narrowly defined as material gain. However, authentic success, as shared by Sydney Banks, includes such intangibles as happiness, well-being, love, joy, compassion, and peace of mind that are innate in each one of us, along with outward goals and achievements. It honors the whole person in all walks of life, whether you are a professional, leader, executive, solopreneur, employee, mother, teacher or student. From this knowing and experience, you can access the infinite wellspring of love that is your essence, then share your gifts with the world from a place of fulfillment and meaning, through a profound understanding of the interaction between your psychological and spiritual natures. While conventional success can deplete you, authentic success only fills you up.
Are you self-critical, hard on yourself, and constantly trying to “fix” whatever you think is wrong with you? Perhaps you have tried all kinds of different personal growth techniques and spiritual practices in the hope of solving all your problems. This cycle can be exhausting and never-ending, because there will always be something to improve about yourself, from that mindset. Sydney Banks’ teachings can help you to see how your humanness is normal and not something that needs fixing: as a spiritual person, you don’t need to change or eradicate your humanness! Seeing yourself as normal allows you to love and accept yourself exactly as you are—warts and all. Adopting this perspective naturally brings out the best in you and helps to find peace with your personality. Self-love and self-acceptance is your natural state, and any disconnection from your true nature is only temporary. What a relief!
One of the first areas people often experience profound transformation from the teachings of Sydney Banks is in their relationships, both personal and professional. While it often seems like another person’s irritation, anger, indifference, insensitivity, rudeness, etc., directly affects your experience, in reality your disturbance is a product of your own individual thinking. By making someone else responsible for how you feel, that person automatically becomes the cause of your suffering. Once you understand that you always have a place of well-being inside, independent of another’s behavior, it is easier to maintain equanimity through their changing moods and behaviors. Romantically, you may experience deeper love and intimacy with your partner, but the teachings benefit all relationships. This awareness supports more authentic connection and expression, while facilitating greater understanding, improved communication, reduced reactivity, more acceptance of self and others, and improved ability to work out differences and find common ground. Best of all, just one person shifting in a relationship is enough to transform it.
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Jeanne Monteiro
04.02.2019 at 03:50I always appreciate your pointings and reminders. As I am getting older, I sometimes have the thought that I am becoming more invisible in this world somehow. Your post helps me see the truth of who I really am.
Rohini
04.02.2019 at 10:42Hi Jeanne, Thanks so much for your comment! So powerful to experience the fullness of who you are! Appreciate you sharing!
Mary Millett
04.02.2019 at 06:00I absolutely love this. I feel you are talking to me personally! I guess it is ok after all to need reassurance and not feel confident. I am as I am and that is ok. I can stop trying to change myself. Wow! That is big when you are as old as me! Thank you. I love all your blogs and videos. They are so real and understandable and comforting!
Rohini
04.02.2019 at 10:43Hi Mary, Thank you! So glad you are seeing you can relax and stop trying to change yourself! Such a relief! Appreciate you sharing!
Silver Bramham
04.02.2019 at 08:26I can relate to this and found it really helpful to be reminded that I dont need to be anything more than just who I am because that’s enough. It’s so easy to get caught up in the feeling of needing to improve because by nature I love progress but when i’m being fully present I am reminded that I am naturally evolving and that going with the flow of that rather than forcing more of what I think I need in order to be complete prevents me from being light hearted and just enjoying the ride of life. Thankyou x
Rohini
04.02.2019 at 10:47Hi Silver, Thanks for letting me know you found it helpful! Love what you are seeing! So freeing! You can trust the natural unfolding and so nice to enjoy the light-heartedness along the way!
Laura A Jones
04.02.2019 at 10:35My goodness how I needed this today. This has been a lifelong struggle for me. You have articulated this experience so well. I’m keeping a printed copy to post on my bulletin board. Thank you!
Rohini
04.02.2019 at 10:48Hi Laura, So glad it resonated with you! Thanks for sharing! <3
Andrea A Olsen
04.02.2019 at 11:10This was so helpful, Rohini. Excellent. I like to feel indispensable. Another version of special-ness and separation. You got to the heart of the matter when you spoke about security. It was a timely read for me since this morning we have quite a bit of snow here in Seattle. It’s beautiful. The neighborhood kids are out sledding. I’m not going into work – the roads are too slick and the snow is still coming down. No one has pressured me to go in. Still, I occasionally hear the voice “You should get down there! Your contributions will be missed. You’re setting up the remainder of the week to be difficult on the organization by not going in.” Now, no one but me is of this opinion. It’ll be fine. The organization will survive just fine. It’s nice to back away and smile at such notions and see them as inconsequential. So grateful they no longer dominate me and direct my life.
Rohini
04.02.2019 at 13:53Hi Andrea, Thanks so much for sharing how this shows up for you! So relatable. Glad you found it helpful, and enjoy your snow day!