I was hesitant to share this piece because it is an exploration of ideas. It is an area I am grappling with, and, as a result, it felt half-baked and awkward. Then I realized there is beauty in rough edges, and since it is impossible to ever write “the truth,” everything I write is essentially half-baked. Why should I let my ego determine that one half-baked piece is better than another?
My ego is nothing more than insecure thoughts that I believe. My insecure thoughts in this case were focused on needing to look good and be together. These thoughts are diametrically opposed to the idea that there is beauty in imperfection, and that vulnerability is closer to the truth. Truth doesn’t care what the packaging looks like or how elegantly articulated something is. Truth is felt through whatever the imperfect form is used to point toward it. So I decided to share. I got over the idea that anything I write is “it.” Everything I write is simply pointing in the direction of truth, and perhaps, the less formed something is, or the less accomplished I am in an area, the better the pointing stick. People will hopefully be less interested in looking at the stick and more likely to look in the direction it is pointing.
As humans we are natural born creators. Thoughts automatically arise within us, and based on what thoughts we focus on, we create our experience. I have always been curious as to how our divine ability to create thought relates to our human ability to create in the external world. If the ideas of “The Secret” and the Law of Attraction are accurate, then we should be able to create anything we want by positively focusing on it. However, in my experience, things don’t always work out that way. In the past it has been easy for me to fall into self-judgment when I wasn’t able to create something important to me. I would feel like I wasn’t doing it right or well enough when what I focused on didn’t manifest. It was easy for me to believe there was something wrong with me.
Then my husband and I had an interesting experience with manifestation related to buying a house. We wanted to buy a house for years, and used affirmations, visualizations, and Ideal Scenes. We kept looking and making offers, but nothing worked out. Eventually we gave up and accepted that we didn’t need to own a home in order to be happy. We decided we didn’t care if we were renters for the rest of our lives. We stopped trying to manifest a house. Then, only weeks after this decision, we found our current home. This home exceeded all of our expectations. It was in the exact area we had always wanted to live but thought was out of our price range. We have also connected with a wonderful community of people as a result of our move. We don’t just have neighbors — we have lifelong friends.
This experience makes me wonder, what if I stop trying and let go of all of my ideas about what I want to create? What if I let go of trying to make my life be anything other than it is, and surrender to living in the unknown of the divine unfolding?
This feels really good. I recognize my capacity to create internal pressure when I attempt to co-create. I can turn saying affirmations into work. I can experience setting intentions as a chore. I can measure my worth against how close I am to achieving my goals. I know goals are not bad, and I know I shouldn’t do this, but sometimes I use goals against myself, and in the process, I miss out on fully appreciating and enjoying the present moment.
I am taking Gertrude Stein’s quote out of context, but I am embracing the idea that “there is no there there.” I am gaining a deeper understanding of the fact that no matter what I create on the outside, my experience comes from the inside. No matter what my outer success looks like, I still live in the feeling of the thoughts I believe in the moment. It occurs to me that by surrendering to the source, and by allowing myself to be the channel, without inserting my will, my life will continue to unfold. I can then enjoy the miracle of it unfolding rather than living under the stressful delusion that I am in control.
In the past, when I have been unsuccessful in my co-creating, I have been trying to create something from a sense of lack — from fear. I want a house because I want to feel more secure. I want more money because then I will have less worry. I want to write a book because that will mean I am successful. On and on and on… I have an endless amount of insecure thoughts possible.
It is exhausting for me to try to assuage my insecure thinking through trying to create external circumstances to neutralize them. It doesn’t work. There will always be more insecure thoughts no matter what I have or what I have done. What works for me is to stop trying to appease my insecure thinking. I am taking a stand in my consciousness, and I am stopping letting fear drive my behavior. It is ridiculous to think that anything I do can make me more than I AM. So rather than continuing to believe my insecure thoughts, my opportunity is to wake up more fully to my wholeness. To experience the profound peace and wellbeing inside of me, and to recognize that when I get distracted from that it is only temporary. I can do my best not to get on the bandwagon of working hard to try and make myself, or my life, better. Whether it is through saying affirmations or working myself to the bone.
What if the only true experience is love, and from that experience I allow myself to be used in service? I am not lacking in any way, not matter what the illusion of my personal thinking tells me. I am whole. I am complete. I am love. This can never be taken from me, only temporarily forgotten.
What do you choose to do when you realize you have arrived and experience the essence of your soul?