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Let's Stop Working On Ourselves!

Let’s Stop Working On Ourselves!

I have been noticing a theme with my clients across the board from the work I do with leaders, to teams, to individual clients. There is a focus on there being something wrong with them, and a pervasive idea that they would feel better and perform better once it is fixed. Their “it” could be insecurity, worry, lack of motivation, feelings of overwhelm — fill in the blank. However, instead of diving into what they see as the problem, I help them recognize that whatever the experience is that they want to get rid of, it is not the problem. The problem is actually coming from seeing themselves as having something wrong with them and needing to fix it, rather than seeing that what they are experiencing is a normal part of the human condition, and just another example of how we bring our moment to moment thoughts to life via our consciousness and experience them.

 

One way I counter this is to share my humanness, using examples from my own experience or others to illustrate the normalcy of what they are experiencing. This serves to help them see themselves as normal. It debunks their theory that they are special in their own particularly wounding or pathology, and helps them understand that they, like the rest of us, are in the same boat. Their experience is just another common old garden example of what it is to be a spiritual being having a human experience. We don’t get to be perfect. We don’t get to just be spiritual. We are spiritual, and we have signed up for a human experience. The human experience is perfect. It is not designed to be fixed. We get to use our human experience to know our spiritual nature more fully.

 

By embracing our humanity and accepting ourselves warts and all, unabashedly and flagrantly, we get to experience our true nature more fully. There is nothing wrong with us. When we see this, we free up all the energy we have been using to try and fix ourselves, and get to use it for living life.

 

No one feels better by constantly trying to improve him or herself. Even if we do make head way in our perception, that pales in comparison to the negative impact of judging ourselves as not good enough. Any desire to fix ourselves comes from believing that “what is” needs to be better.

 

How can we improve on perfection? Who you are in this moment is perfect no matter what your experience, no matter what your self-judgments, no matter what your behavior. You are perfect!

 

What happens when we start to live life from the understanding of our perfection? Freedom! How many young children go through the day thinking there is something wrong with them? Not many, if any. As a result, they don’t spend the day focused on themselves, feeling self-conscious, trying to look good, and trying to make themselves feel better. They live in the moment, overflowing with creativity and enthusiasm. They don’t question their emotional expression. Feelings come and go. If they get upset, they allow it and then move back into balance quickly. They experience freedom — the freedom to be themselves free of self-judgment.

 

As adults, we can have more of that. We don’t get there by working on ourselves. We get there by seeing more clearly there is nothing to work on. I hear the “buts”. But I am:

 

  • Insecure
  • Stuck
  • Too sensitive
  • Undisciplined
  • A procrastinator
  • Over reactive
  • Sad
  • Angry
  • Jealous
  • Powerless
  • Anxious
  • Lonely
  • Over weight
  • Not successful enough
  • Not rich enough
  • Not in a relationship
  • Not appreciated
  • Not respected
  • Not a good parent
  • Etc….

 

Yes, so … even if any, or all of the above, are true, none of them mean anything about you. Stick with the “I am”, and forget about the label. Anything that comes after the “I Am” is meaningless. It means nothing about you. You are not broken or wounded. You don’t need to be fixed. You have the experiences you have, and you are in the circumstances you are in, but they are all part of your human experience in service to waking you up to your divine perfection. Living from this truth is powerful.

 

We don’t need to turn our human nature into spiritual nature. We don’t need to fix every flaw we perceive. We are not Rumpelstiltskin spinning straw into gold. Rather the opportunity we have is to see that the straw and the gold are equal. They are made from the same thing.

 

When we see that all of our human experience is created from the same thing as our spiritual nature, it is natural to take the pressure off of ourselves. We see there is nowhere to go. We are simply formless spiritual beings, in human form who have the capacity to create by turning the formless energy behind life into thought. We have consciousness that allows us to witness our thoughts and bring them to life through our sensory system, and that is how we create our experience.

 

When I see that I create my reality from moment to moment from the inside-out, I recognize there is nothing to fix. What is is simply what is in this moment, and my experience of it is ever changing, like a kaleidoscope depending on my subjective thoughts at the time. I can be overweight and have it not be a problem, or I can be overweight and be consumed with angst around it. If I don’t see my weight as something wrong and needing to be fixed, I am going to be much more likely to have the creativity and the willingness to make changes if I choose.

 

The same is true of anything I judge. As soon as I judge myself as lacking for whatever reason, I am not seeing clearly anymore, and I feel the internal pressure of that judgment. This causes my mind to close and me to lose touch with the pure potential that resides within me and within all of us. However, when I don’t judge myself, I am freed up to play the game of life with freedom and abandon without self-consciousness and with gusto. When we are free in this way, we naturally create more love and joy in the world through our participation. It is common sense for us to work collaboratively and see that if one person loses, we all lose.

 

It is easier for me to bring my essence forward and express my true nature when I see I am not damaged. I spend less energy trying to manage my thinking and manipulate the world of form, and have more space to just be me and express what is in my heart. When I know I am enough and feel my innate value and worth, I don’t need to use coping mechanisms. There is no emptiness inside me needing to be filled so there are no coping mechanisms needed. When people see this, it is unlikely that they will hurt others in order to feel more powerful, or to not take care of themselves so as to try and please others. There would just be us humans doing the best we can as we create our experiences, feeling whatever way we feel, thinking whatever thoughts we do, but standing on the solid foundation of knowing that our wellbeing lies within. Being firmly planted in the bedrock of our unchanging, immoveable, formless, loving nature that is the certainty in our lives.

 

We are both human and spiritual, but really they are one and the same. Just like water and ice are made from the same stuff. All there ultimately is is our formless loving essence coming into form and expressing itself in an infinite variety of ways. The form is always an expression of the essence, and we can develop the eyes to see that.

 

Rohini Ross is a psychotherapist, a leadership consultant, and an executive coach. Rohini facilitates personalized three-day retreats to help individuals, couples, and professionals connect more fully with their true nature and experience greater levels of wellbeing, resiliency, and success. You can find out more about Rohini’s work on her website, rohiniross.com.

7 Comments

  • Catherine Anness-Antle

    27.03.2017 at 07:51 Reply

    This is one of the best things i’ve ever read. No kidding. 🙂 LOVE IT! xx

    • Rohini

      27.03.2017 at 10:23 Reply

      Dear Catherine, Thank you so much for your feedback. I am really touched! <3

  • Larissa

    27.03.2017 at 11:51 Reply

    Thank you for the reminder dear Rohini. Your writing has a way of capturing and conveying the truth of our human/spiritual nature in the most beautiful way. Breathing this in.

  • Louise Parrott

    28.03.2017 at 04:32 Reply

    I agree with Catherine..
    I’ll be sharing this with my children.
    Thank you Rohini for your insight and your ability to put it into words x

    • Rohini

      01.04.2017 at 17:03 Reply

      You are welcome Louise! So glad you are sharing. Looking forward to seeing you soon! <3

  • Carrie Sisson

    28.03.2017 at 09:04 Reply

    Brilliant article! When I saw that I no longer needed to WORK on myself it was a game changer. Thank you ❣

    • Rohini

      01.04.2017 at 17:04 Reply

      Thank you for commenting Carrie! <3

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