Being Kind to Yourself is Good for You and Your Relationship
The Inner Narrator and Its Impact
You are probably aware of the voice in your head, the inner narrator commenting on you and your life. Rather than being in the moment, it judges the moment. This human proclivity does not mean something is wrong with you, and it is not something to fix or change about yourself. However, I have found it helpful to be mindful of the quality of thinking it shares with me.
Recently I haven’t been feeling well for an extended period. Due to a mild autoimmune disorder flare-up, I haven’t been my usual self with my normal energy levels. In the past, I would have pushed through and not made adjustments to my lifestyle or my schedule. But this time, I slowed down and took space for myself. I opened up to Angus and let him know I needed to rest, and asked him if he would be willing to step up in certain areas so I could do that.
Slowing Down and Listening to the Wisdom of the Body
During this process, I noticed the internal pressure I felt in myself. I hadn’t been as conscious of it before. The inner discomfort with taking it easy. The subtle self-judgment with myself for not feeling 100%. I realized how this internal discomfort and the shame associated with self-judgment came from my critical inner narrative telling me I wasn’t good enough. It told me I needed to do more and produce to be worthy. I wasn’t safe to rest and that my world would fall apart if I let go and surrendered.
Instead of judging myself for revisiting all this thinking I thought I had detached from years ago, I was curious about it. I hadn’t realized that these thoughts were still operating, but this new layer, more subtle than before, was coming into focus. I felt grateful to be able to recognize it for what it was – conditioned thinking, limiting beliefs, and misunderstandings designed to try and keep me safe in the world by telling me what I needed to do to be worthy and lovable. But not truth, not wisdom, just a manifestation of my true nature through the distorted lens of my belief system.
Revisiting this discomfort with more awareness allowed me to act differently than in the past. I stayed committed to listening to the wisdom of my body and following its inner prompts rather than overriding the signals and functioning over them.
The Positive Impact of Self-Care on Relationships
This made me think about the impact of how I treat myself in my relationship. Taking care of myself positively impacted my relationship, not just with myself but also with Angus. My ability to love and be gentle with myself reflected my being more grateful and open-hearted toward him.
Previously, while caught up in my pushing-through coping mechanism, I would have been more resentful, judgmental, and critical of him. This would have resulted in less kindness, tenderness, and empathy in our relationship, with a resulting decrease in the rapport that would have rippled into our sex life and general relationship satisfaction. It probably wouldn’t have been terminal for our relationship, but it would have been an extra stressor when I had the least bandwidth to deal with it.
Listen to Your Inner Compass of Love
I am sharing this here so you can hopefully become more aware of the subtleties of your inner narrator’s tendency to be hard on you and unkind. Seeing this thinking for what it is and being aware of it can help you wake up to the more profound, loving impulse within you that expresses your aliveness and health. Listen to that. Familiarize yourself with this other knowing that speaks to you from the depths of your being. It may feel inconvenient to listen to it. I felt that way for years. But even if it does, I encourage you to be curious about it. Listen, even if it doesn’t make sense to your intellect or fit into your expectations of how things should be or how you should be.
Through my ongoing journey of waking up to the love within, I discovered a different kind of safety within myself, one that isn’t based on external factors like money or productivity. Instead, it is a deeper knowing that reveals itself to me that says it is okay to walk the path of love and gentleness with myself to cede to its call. It is a compass point that guides me towards love and gentleness with myself, and I hope it inspires you to do the same.
This article was originally published on https://www.therewilders.org/blog/being-kind-to-yourself-is-good-for-you-and-your-relationship.
If you would like to listen to the Rewilding Love Podcast, it comes out in a serial format. Start with Episode 1 for context. Click here to listen. And, if you would like to dive deeper into the understanding I share along with additional support please check out the Rewilders Community.
Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In the first season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate private couple’s intensive retreat programs that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilders Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.
Christine Heath & Judy Sedgeman – Spirituality and Resilience
When you no longer give authority to the fear-based thoughts in your consciousness, all you are left with is happiness. Through the teachings of Sydney Banks, you can see how your psychological functioning works, which makes you less compelled to follow those thoughts that do not serve you. Becoming more aware of the wholeness and integration of both your human and spiritual natures helps to ground you in the unchanging essence of who you are, and ride out the ups and downs of your emotional experience more gracefully. Accepting the normalcy of your humanness will naturally reduce your anxiety and fear and enhance your joy and happiness in each moment. By placing less pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or be hung up on self-improvement, you may find that low moods do not derail or debilitate you; instead, you will become much more attuned to your innate wellbeing and peace of mind and experience more happiness as a result.
Greater psychological freedom is the gift that keeps on giving. How grateful would you feel if you no longer had to listen to your negative, self-punishing and painful inner narrative, day in and day out? Understanding the role of thought and recognizing how it creates your feelings of insecurity and self-doubt is truly liberating! You will be better able to hear and heed your inner wisdom and become less driven by the noisy thoughts of fear and constriction. As an ongoing practice, this allows you to more fully experience your resilience and reach a greater sense of clarity about how you want to move forward in your life. As a result, you can live in a way that feels authentic and true in every area, including your career, family, home, creative expression, play, relationships and overall well-being.
Your ability to enjoy life comes from being present in the moment rather than caught up in habitual, negative thoughts that take you out of the Now. Sydney Banks’ wisdom supports you in becoming aware of how you get seduced by your limited personal thinking and thus, create a painful reality of misunderstanding, fear and restriction. When you recognize how and why this happens, you can step free of the pattern. This understanding assists you to dismiss unhelpful thoughts and not take them seriously. Unlike traditional self-help or therapy, experiencing more psychological freedom and enjoyment does not rely on techniques. There are no magic bullets on the path of well-being. All you need to do is follow an internal compass that points to the truth of who you really are—beyond transient thoughts to your unchanging, formless essence.
In our culture, success is often associated with hard work and narrowly defined as material gain. However, authentic success, as shared by Sydney Banks, includes such intangibles as happiness, well-being, love, joy, compassion, and peace of mind that are innate in each one of us, along with outward goals and achievements. It honors the whole person in all walks of life, whether you are a professional, leader, executive, solopreneur, employee, mother, teacher or student. From this knowing and experience, you can access the infinite wellspring of love that is your essence, then share your gifts with the world from a place of fulfillment and meaning, through a profound understanding of the interaction between your psychological and spiritual natures. While conventional success can deplete you, authentic success only fills you up.
Are you self-critical, hard on yourself, and constantly trying to “fix” whatever you think is wrong with you? Perhaps you have tried all kinds of different personal growth techniques and spiritual practices in the hope of solving all your problems. This cycle can be exhausting and never-ending, because there will always be something to improve about yourself, from that mindset. Sydney Banks’ teachings can help you to see how your humanness is normal and not something that needs fixing: as a spiritual person, you don’t need to change or eradicate your humanness! Seeing yourself as normal allows you to love and accept yourself exactly as you are—warts and all. Adopting this perspective naturally brings out the best in you and helps to find peace with your personality. Self-love and self-acceptance is your natural state, and any disconnection from your true nature is only temporary. What a relief!
One of the first areas people often experience profound transformation from the teachings of Sydney Banks is in their relationships, both personal and professional. While it often seems like another person’s irritation, anger, indifference, insensitivity, rudeness, etc., directly affects your experience, in reality your disturbance is a product of your own individual thinking. By making someone else responsible for how you feel, that person automatically becomes the cause of your suffering. Once you understand that you always have a place of well-being inside, independent of another’s behavior, it is easier to maintain equanimity through their changing moods and behaviors. Romantically, you may experience deeper love and intimacy with your partner, but the teachings benefit all relationships. This awareness supports more authentic connection and expression, while facilitating greater understanding, improved communication, reduced reactivity, more acceptance of self and others, and improved ability to work out differences and find common ground. Best of all, just one person shifting in a relationship is enough to transform it.
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