My Amazonian Ego
This is a creative writing piece. It is an exploration of how powerful the illusion of the ego is and how painful it is to get caught up in it.
The tight wire act of goodness is lifting further off the ground, and the wire is not getting any thicker or less precarious. My tentative walk across the gaping chasm of judgment and banishment feels even harder when my capricious mind flits to my desire to be liked and accepted.
My weakness is a source of shame for my ego, the iron lady. My ego is a warrior queen, Amazonian in stature and brutal in her lack of need to be liked by others. She is larger than life and able to dominate.
I cower in her shadow unable to muster the slightest fragments of courage to stand up to her herculean force of will. I am shamefully weak in my surrender and unashamedly grovel to please and mollify her. My meager survival is so painfully dependent on my success.
She viciously cuts the heads of her enemies and proudly carries them on a stake through town for all to see and to admire her indomitable power. I cautiously melt into the shadows with the plaster of a smile across my face portraying a willingness to please that is a betrayal to my own tender heart.
My outer loyalty is willingly made at the expense of my own meager slice of joy and happiness. The price is unbelievably exorbitant, but I have no choice but to pay it because I don’t have within me the practical gumption to say no.
It is my own failing, mine alone, that has me desperately shrinking into the background and slowly breathing as little air as possible so as not to create even the most subtle of ripples in the atmosphere that might awaken the sleeping tiger of her wrath. This taught tightrope of perfection is not about me looking good it is about self-preservation.
When I am pristine I raise no ire, but one small wobble, one slight hesitation, one minor slip is enough for me to be noticed and sliced by the sharp sword of her criticism. That is how she demonstrates her love. Losing approval is annihilation; I will be consumed by darkness. Losing my status as the apple of her eye only has one other option and that is death.
I am watchful and wary of the creature of my ego that has the supernatural ability to shapeshift into a myriad of forms all designed to maintain power and control in the wiliest of ways while I silently conform and obey, wearing the mask of happiness as my vicious skill of self-betrayal gets refined and honed with each step along the seering wire of discontent that stretches into the vast distance of my life yet to be lived with no visible sight of where the wire is attached so there might be some slight hope of an end in sight. From my limited vantage point, there is only one way forward, but a small, quiet voice whispers in my ear, “Let go. Let go. Let go.”
Rohini Ross is passionate about helping people wake up to their full potential. She is a transformative coach, leadership consultant, regular contributor to Thrive Global, and author of the short-read Marriage. You can get her free eBook Relationships here. Rohini has an international coaching and consulting practice based in Los Angeles helping individuals, couples, and professionals embrace all of who they are so they can experience greater levels of well-being, resiliency, and success. Rohini is the co-founder of The Rewilding Guide Training, The 29-Day Rewilding Experience, and The Rewilding Community. You can also subscribe to Rohini’s weekly blog on her website, rohiniross.com. You can also follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and watch her Vlogs with her husband. To learn more about her work go to her website, rohiniross.com.
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Rohini Ross
Are you self-critical, hard on yourself, and constantly trying to “fix” whatever you think is wrong with you? Perhaps you have tried all kinds of different personal growth techniques and spiritual practices in the hope of solving all your problems. This cycle can be exhausting and never-ending, because there will always be something to improve about yourself, from that mindset. Sydney Banks’ teachings can help you to see how your humanness is normal and not something that needs fixing: as a spiritual person, you don’t need to change or eradicate your humanness! Seeing yourself as normal allows you to love and accept yourself exactly as you are—warts and all. Adopting this perspective naturally brings out the best in you and helps to find peace with your personality. Self-love and self-acceptance is your natural state, and any disconnection from your true nature is only temporary. What a relief!
In our culture, success is often associated with hard work and narrowly defined as material gain. However, authentic success, as shared by Sydney Banks, includes such intangibles as happiness, well-being, love, joy, compassion, and peace of mind that are innate in each one of us, along with outward goals and achievements. It honors the whole person in all walks of life, whether you are a professional, leader, executive, solopreneur, employee, mother, teacher or student. From this knowing and experience, you can access the infinite wellspring of love that is your essence, then share your gifts with the world from a place of fulfillment and meaning, through a profound understanding of the interaction between your psychological and spiritual natures. While conventional success can deplete you, authentic success only fills you up.
Your ability to enjoy life comes from being present in the moment rather than caught up in habitual, negative thoughts that take you out of the Now. Sydney Banks’ wisdom supports you in becoming aware of how you get seduced by your limited personal thinking and thus, create a painful reality of misunderstanding, fear and restriction. When you recognize how and why this happens, you can step free of the pattern. This understanding assists you to dismiss unhelpful thoughts and not take them seriously. Unlike traditional self-help or therapy, experiencing more psychological freedom and enjoyment does not rely on techniques. There are no magic bullets on the path of well-being. All you need to do is follow an internal compass that points to the truth of who you really are—beyond transient thoughts to your unchanging, formless essence.
Greater psychological freedom is the gift that keeps on giving. How grateful would you feel if you no longer had to listen to your negative, self-punishing and painful inner narrative, day in and day out? Understanding the role of thought and recognizing how it creates your feelings of insecurity and self-doubt is truly liberating! You will be better able to hear and heed your inner wisdom and become less driven by the noisy thoughts of fear and constriction. As an ongoing practice, this allows you to more fully experience your resilience and reach a greater sense of clarity about how you want to move forward in your life. As a result, you can live in a way that feels authentic and true in every area, including your career, family, home, creative expression, play, relationships and overall well-being.
When you no longer give authority to the fear-based thoughts in your consciousness, all you are left with is happiness. Through the teachings of Sydney Banks, you can see how your psychological functioning works, which makes you less compelled to follow those thoughts that do not serve you. Becoming more aware of the wholeness and integration of both your human and spiritual natures helps to ground you in the unchanging essence of who you are, and ride out the ups and downs of your emotional experience more gracefully. Accepting the normalcy of your humanness will naturally reduce your anxiety and fear and enhance your joy and happiness in each moment. By placing less pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or be hung up on self-improvement, you may find that low moods do not derail or debilitate you; instead, you will become much more attuned to your innate wellbeing and peace of mind and experience more happiness as a result.
One of the first areas people often experience profound transformation from the teachings of Sydney Banks is in their relationships, both personal and professional. While it often seems like another person’s irritation, anger, indifference, insensitivity, rudeness, etc., directly affects your experience, in reality your disturbance is a product of your own individual thinking. By making someone else responsible for how you feel, that person automatically becomes the cause of your suffering. Once you understand that you always have a place of well-being inside, independent of another’s behavior, it is easier to maintain equanimity through their changing moods and behaviors. Romantically, you may experience deeper love and intimacy with your partner, but the teachings benefit all relationships. This awareness supports more authentic connection and expression, while facilitating greater understanding, improved communication, reduced reactivity, more acceptance of self and others, and improved ability to work out differences and find common ground. Best of all, just one person shifting in a relationship is enough to transform it.
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William Hutcherson
28.09.2020 at 07:52I sense your writing evolving… so descriptive, feeling and inclusive. I love how your words seem to have a life of their own.
Rohini
28.09.2020 at 10:13Thank you, William! Yes, I am really enjoying the writing class I am taking. Glad you enjoyed this piece!
Catherine Andrews
28.09.2020 at 23:26Thank you Rohini., what a great description of egos cunning ways. I really can feel and see it for it’s reality in these words . Great piece of writing!