The Principles Don’t Solve Problems: They Make Them Disappear
Clients often come to me with a problem wanting to know how the Principles, uncovered by Sydney Banks, can help them to solve it. Some of the problems they want to fix are:
- Feeling insecure
- Feeling stuck in their business
- Wanting more impact with clients
- Relationship challenges
- Parenting challenges
- Too much stress
- Leadership challenges
- Wanting to change a behavior
- etc….
The truth is, the Principles don’t offer a solution to any of these things. They are a description of how we work as spiritual beings having a human experience. They are a way of pointing to the innate potential of who we are. They do not offer a prescription for how to fix anything. And they don’t need to because the description they offer points to the truth that each one of us has the answers we need inside of ourselves. Sometimes we just need a little help in remembering to look in the direction of our own wisdom and resilience.
It is such a gift to work with people and see them remember this. I was meeting with a client recently who started off feeling troubled and concerned. It looked to him that he had a problem he could not figure out. He had been trying to change unwanted behavior for years and had been unsuccessful.
Fortunately, I know that answer is not going to be found by looking at the problem. The very fact that it looks like a problem lets me know there is no perspective to be gained looking in that direction. So I shared with him a recent conversation I had with George Pransky.
George was explaining how coping mechanisms are always perfectly aligned to the person’s level of suffering. He said that a person never uses a coping mechanism that is more than they need. He used the analogy of NyQuil. If you are feeling great and take NyQuil you don’t feel good, but if you are sick and take NyQuil you feel better. I saw the wisdom and perfection in this. And it reminded me that coping mechanisms are solutions not problems. The problem is not the habit or the behavior. That is that person’s best solution for their suffering based on their understanding at that moment.
I shared this with my client, and he saw something new. It helped him to see the wisdom in what he was doing. Together we looked in the direction of his wisdom. He saw his behavior with fresh eyes and recognized he was simply doing his best to take care of himself. I could have told him this a thousand times and it would not have mattered. What was important is that he saw it for himself. All I did was point in the direction of how his wisdom was presenting itself, and he had his own insight.
Previously, he had been obsessively focusing on his behavior judging it as wrong and judging himself as bad because he wasn’t changing it. All this did was create more internal pressure and suffering. It is not surprising the coping mechanism wasn’t changing.
When he saw the wisdom in what he was doing he felt freedom. He realized he did not have to fix his behavior. I watched his face light up as he shared that he felt the weight of years of struggling to change lift off of him.
He saw for himself the logic of when suffering goes down coping mechanisms naturally shift on their own. And he saw it was unkind to expect a coping mechanism to go away without his suffering going down. I agreed and shared not only is it unkind to expect that but also if a coping mechanism is restrained by willpower, while suffering stays the same, functioning goes down until a new coping mechanism is found. That is why in AA they talk about trading one addiction for another.
My client got to see he wasn’t flawed or broken because he had not been able to change his behavior. He saw how his suffering had been amplified not decreased by all of the pressure he had been putting on himself with all of the judgments he had been making against himself because he wasn’t changing. He recognized his behavior was his best attempt to clear his mind and give him some respite. Seeing this, he felt tremendous relief. He recognized it wasn’t on him to change his behavior. And with this greater level of internal freedom and understanding, it is only a matter of time until the behavior shifts.
And in the meantime, independent of the behavior, he no longer feels the urgent pressure or need to change. He doesn’t see his behavior as a problem or something he needs to focus on. He recognizes his wisdom will lead the way. As George said, human beings don’t use coping mechanisms stronger than they need. When understanding goes up and suffering goes down as a result of this, the coping mechanism will naturally shift. Sometimes it shifts abruptly, sometimes it happens more gradually, but its days are numbered.
The Principles don’t offer how-tos for changing behaviors and habits. The understanding offers something far more powerful than that. It points to what the real source of suffering is and offers greater internal freedom simply from understanding this. The only thing that can take us out of our experience of our natural state of peace and wellbeing are our thoughts. When we see that and understand the fluid, transitory nature of thought, there is nothing to do. All experience passes because all thoughts pass. And we can naturally drop into the experience of our true nature. That is better than any coping mechanism.
If you are interested in learning more about this, enrollment for Dr. Amy Johnson’s Little School of Big Change opens next month on March 11th. I highly recommend her school if you are looking for freedom from a destructive habit. Click here for the link. This is not a paid endorsement. I have the greatest respect for Amy’s work and have spoken with many people who have benefitted from her school.
Rohini Ross is passionate about helping people wake up to their full potential. She is a transformative coach, leadership consultant, a regular blogger for Thrive Global, and author of the short-read Marriage (The Soul-Centered Series Book 1) available on Amazon. You can get her free ebook Relationships here. Rohini currently has an international coaching and consulting practice based in Los Angeles helping individuals, couples, and professionals embrace all of who they are so they can experience greater levels of well-being, resiliency, and success. She is also the founder of The Soul-Centered Series: Psychology, Spirituality, and the Teachings of Sydney Banks. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and watch her Vlogs with her husband. To learn more about her work go to her website, rohiniross.com.
Christine Heath & Judy Sedgeman – Spirituality and Resilience
When you no longer give authority to the fear-based thoughts in your consciousness, all you are left with is happiness. Through the teachings of Sydney Banks, you can see how your psychological functioning works, which makes you less compelled to follow those thoughts that do not serve you. Becoming more aware of the wholeness and integration of both your human and spiritual natures helps to ground you in the unchanging essence of who you are, and ride out the ups and downs of your emotional experience more gracefully. Accepting the normalcy of your humanness will naturally reduce your anxiety and fear and enhance your joy and happiness in each moment. By placing less pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or be hung up on self-improvement, you may find that low moods do not derail or debilitate you; instead, you will become much more attuned to your innate wellbeing and peace of mind and experience more happiness as a result.
Greater psychological freedom is the gift that keeps on giving. How grateful would you feel if you no longer had to listen to your negative, self-punishing and painful inner narrative, day in and day out? Understanding the role of thought and recognizing how it creates your feelings of insecurity and self-doubt is truly liberating! You will be better able to hear and heed your inner wisdom and become less driven by the noisy thoughts of fear and constriction. As an ongoing practice, this allows you to more fully experience your resilience and reach a greater sense of clarity about how you want to move forward in your life. As a result, you can live in a way that feels authentic and true in every area, including your career, family, home, creative expression, play, relationships and overall well-being.
Your ability to enjoy life comes from being present in the moment rather than caught up in habitual, negative thoughts that take you out of the Now. Sydney Banks’ wisdom supports you in becoming aware of how you get seduced by your limited personal thinking and thus, create a painful reality of misunderstanding, fear and restriction. When you recognize how and why this happens, you can step free of the pattern. This understanding assists you to dismiss unhelpful thoughts and not take them seriously. Unlike traditional self-help or therapy, experiencing more psychological freedom and enjoyment does not rely on techniques. There are no magic bullets on the path of well-being. All you need to do is follow an internal compass that points to the truth of who you really are—beyond transient thoughts to your unchanging, formless essence.
In our culture, success is often associated with hard work and narrowly defined as material gain. However, authentic success, as shared by Sydney Banks, includes such intangibles as happiness, well-being, love, joy, compassion, and peace of mind that are innate in each one of us, along with outward goals and achievements. It honors the whole person in all walks of life, whether you are a professional, leader, executive, solopreneur, employee, mother, teacher or student. From this knowing and experience, you can access the infinite wellspring of love that is your essence, then share your gifts with the world from a place of fulfillment and meaning, through a profound understanding of the interaction between your psychological and spiritual natures. While conventional success can deplete you, authentic success only fills you up.
Are you self-critical, hard on yourself, and constantly trying to “fix” whatever you think is wrong with you? Perhaps you have tried all kinds of different personal growth techniques and spiritual practices in the hope of solving all your problems. This cycle can be exhausting and never-ending, because there will always be something to improve about yourself, from that mindset. Sydney Banks’ teachings can help you to see how your humanness is normal and not something that needs fixing: as a spiritual person, you don’t need to change or eradicate your humanness! Seeing yourself as normal allows you to love and accept yourself exactly as you are—warts and all. Adopting this perspective naturally brings out the best in you and helps to find peace with your personality. Self-love and self-acceptance is your natural state, and any disconnection from your true nature is only temporary. What a relief!
One of the first areas people often experience profound transformation from the teachings of Sydney Banks is in their relationships, both personal and professional. While it often seems like another person’s irritation, anger, indifference, insensitivity, rudeness, etc., directly affects your experience, in reality your disturbance is a product of your own individual thinking. By making someone else responsible for how you feel, that person automatically becomes the cause of your suffering. Once you understand that you always have a place of well-being inside, independent of another’s behavior, it is easier to maintain equanimity through their changing moods and behaviors. Romantically, you may experience deeper love and intimacy with your partner, but the teachings benefit all relationships. This awareness supports more authentic connection and expression, while facilitating greater understanding, improved communication, reduced reactivity, more acceptance of self and others, and improved ability to work out differences and find common ground. Best of all, just one person shifting in a relationship is enough to transform it.
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Scott Kelly
Barbara Patterson
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Rohini Ross
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Mary Millett
25.02.2019 at 02:16What a wonderful post Rohini. I love all you write because it is straight to the point, understandable and resonates with me! So many of the coaches now make me feel inadequate and stupid but you never do.
I always look forward to your next email. Thank you so very much xx
Rohini
25.02.2019 at 17:08Thanks for sharing Mary! So glad you enjoyed the post and what a relief I don’t make you feel stupid! 🙂 That would never be my intention!